The Last Christmas

Well, today was the last Christmas of this decade - the first decade in the infamous 21st Century. Hhhmmmm... what does all that mean?

On a very broad note, I think the days of mailing Christmas cards is short-lived. I think mailing packages using the Unites States Postal Service is also short-lived. Will TV as we know it be obsolete, replaced by computer screens and the Internet?

On a more personal note, as a mother who loves to see the excitement and wonder in her young son's eyes, I hope I have a few more years he believes in Santa Claus. I know with each passing year, my son's wants, experiences, and memories will grow and evolve just as he naturally is/does. Some things I could probably predict; others are beyond my imagination(for the good, bad, and indifferent).

Every year brings something new; something memorable; leaves it own memorable marks (and sometimes scars). Reflection of months and years gone by more easily highlight that time is truly precious. You can't put a value on time. Time is priceless. I think of Elijah's Christmas a two, at three, and today... very different experiences and memories as time, experiences, growth, etc. can't help but make all of those Christmases uniquely different from one another.

What kind of toys will be marketed for Christmas next decade? Will the word "Christmas" be banned on a new level (i.e. the transition to the Winter Festival, Holiday Party, Winter Break, etc over the past ten plus years)? Will telephone lines be "tied up" or busy on Christmas day? Who knows?

I do know this is the last Christmas of the first decade in the 21st Century. I do know that I am open to all that 2010 may bring. I do know that I am thankful to have my Grandfather and my parents here to share the holiday with me and Elijah.

Merry Christmas 2009!

Love and Peace~

Elijah Excerpts: Out of the Mouth of Babes

Wow! December is well underway as 2009 and an entire decade is coming to a close. The older I get, the more the concept of time intrigues me. I recognize there are many moments I could easily overlook and not capture - not because of lack of desire or interest - rather the simple passing of time.

This past week, Elijah has been him... a growing, learning, loving little boy with an amazing imagination, full of happiness, and so many more things I couldn't do justice with words. (Yeah, I know I am biased...what's your point?)! I have captured some of my favorite things he has said over the past week:

At school, after one of his friends told him he was acting like a bully, one of Elijah's teachers told me he turned around and said, "No! My bullying days are over!"

After I returned home from an adult weekend get-away, Elijah voluntarily shared, "Mommy, I missed you more than I love candy."

When Marisa asked Elijah what he asked Santa Clause for Christmas he told her that he wanted another Razor Scooter so he could ride with a baby brother.

When making Friday night plans, I asked Elijah if he'd prefer to go to his Gram and Fergy's house for dinner, or invite them to our house for dinner. He replied, "Fergy and Gram's! Can we have roast pot?"

Aw yes, out of the mouth of my baby!

Kelley’s Reflection of Current Truisms

This weekend, a dear friend made an interesting comment during a relationship-focused conversation. The essence of her comments was a suggestion that if we could step outside of our own personal relationships and be a friend to our self - your coaching you might give yourself would be more objective.

Well, I thought about this off and on and decided to step outside of myself and capture some coaching words I would likely share with any of my female and male friends about all kinds of relationships (with yourself, your parents, your child(ren), your significant other, and others).

Once I put that on paper, then look back and see where and how I can apply any possible reminders and/or nuggets of wisdom. And, who knows?! Maybe this list will continue to grow and evolve for me with more thought. The comments (current perception of truisms) below are subject to critique, enhancement, and change…as are most things in life on any given day.

Love and Peace,

~Kelley

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In all relationships, angst is unhealthy.

There must be respect.

Be true to yourself and recognize if s/he isn’t being true to themselves, they won’t likely be able to be true to you.

If you love someone, build them up; don’t tear them down.

Address tough issues with straight talk and transparency; choosing your words carefully, putting some love in your voice while looking for a solution.

People don't change because they are criticized. People change when the relationship is nurtured with warmth and goodwill that inspires them to please their partner, parent, friend, etc.

Appreciation is on the list of top ten needs for most people.

Allow people to see and hear who you really are versus a shell or a chameleon.

Silence is not golden; it is not uncommon for human beings begin to assume the worst, making it more challenging to move things forward in a positive direction.

Silence can erode trust.

Be flexible. Things change, including people.

Communicating is not optional.

Pretending everything is ok when it is not will inevitably drive an invisible wedge between you that may be difficult to dissolve and ultimately remove.

It is okay to find creative ways to communicate what is really on your mind.

Speak your words in the most loving way you can; the sooner the better. Remember words can heal and they can cut.

Conflict is inevitable. How we handle conflict is what makes the difference.

The goal of resolving conflict in a relationship is not victory or defeat. It is reaching a mutual understanding that benefits both, bringing people closer, allowing for negotiation and compromise.

No action is an action.

Not making a decision or a choice is still a choice.

If an apology is called for, offer it.

What you permit, you promote.

Commitment is nurtured by compassion and understanding.

If you need help or don’t understand, ask for it and/or clarify. If you don’t need help and you understand. . . prove it in your actions.

Lessons from a 90-Year Old

Greetings to all that may be reading this at any moment. Sometimes my blog is original thoughts, comments, poems, stories, etc. from my heart and/or mind However, today, I am including another communication a dear friend forwarded to me this past week.

Below, you will find 45 relevant life learnings 90-year old Regina Brett wrote in her column. This is something we should all read regularly. Like many things in life, one or more of Ms. Brett's lessons may resonate to your soul today, but two weeks from now, a different lesson could scream out to you.

Based on things recently and/or currently going on in my life and those around me, the following three jumped out at me this week:

• Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
• However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
• Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

Living in the moment and making the most of "it" continues to be a theme I want to try and live by and model; however it super hard for me. I often find myself reflecting on the past to ensure I am learning from it, as not to repeat the negative outcomes. Likewise, I am often planning ahead to ensure I am prepared and able to enjoy "the moment" whenever it comes. The irony is that my "living in the moment" is filled with reflecting and planning.

Anyway, I hope you glean one or two relevant reminders or nuggets to nourish your conscious mind as we continue to grow through life and you read the 45 lessons written by Ms. Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good..

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Processing

The last weekend of October - aaahhhh - I love Fall. I guess, I love the seasons; however Spring and Fall seem to be my favorite. When I reflect back on my life, like many of us, there are certain sounds, scents, and/or visuals that may be associated with a memory.

After the feet of snow in the Denver-metro area this week, I will have to re-program the memory banks to recall some of this week's memories as Fall - not quite winter. I am thankful for a weekend with warmer temperatures.

In the meantime, just sharing as I process

Happy Halloween.

~Kelley

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We

You be “you” and I’ll be “me;”
Sounds so parochial and easy.

At first blush, how hard could it be?
Until you and me start talking “we.”

When do you make a “me” decision versus a “we” decision?
When does “we,” evolve to a just “me” revision?
Discussions of next steps and opening doors;
When and where does my life collide with your's?

I can be a hopeless dreamer, s0 maybe our lives didn’t really collide?
Maybe it was the idealistic fantasy and emotional ride?
A ride? I had hoped it was more like a life-long journey.
A ride is okay, if it is to a partnership in love for eternity.
On that ride, it’s not me – it’s “we.”

On my ride, it’s “us,” it’s us together.
On my ride there is no fair-weather.
On my ride it’s us side-by-side,
Where our separate worlds loving collide
Now and forever.
When you’re “you” and I’m “me,” it is still a “we” endeavor.

I just wondered, “Am I on this ride alone?”
When it comes to affairs of the heart it is often felt, not known.
I want to know, if that’s not too much to ask.
If this hasn’t been real, let’s remove the mask.

Maybe it’s been real, it’s just reverted back
Back to the reality that you have to be true to you in fact.
I respect that you have to be true to you before me
Being “we” isn’t that easy.

A Halloween Poem with Some Fear and Lessons

Little Orphant Annie
by James Whitcomb Riley

Little Orphan Annie's come to my house to stay.
To wash the cups and saucers up and brush the crumbs away.
To shoo the chickens from the porch and dust the hearth and sweep,
and make the fire and bake the bread to earn her board and keep.
While all us other children, when the supper things is done,
we sit around the kitchen fire and has the mostest fun,
a listening to the witch tales that Annie tells about
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!

Once there was a little boy who wouldn't say his prayers,
and when he went to bed at night away up stairs,
his mammy heard him holler and his daddy heard him bawl,
and when they turned the covers down, he wasn't there at all!
They searched him in the attic room and cubby hole and press
and even up the chimney flu and every wheres, I guess,
but all they ever found of him was just his pants and round-abouts
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

Once there was a little girl who always laughed and grinned
and made fun of everyone, of all her blood and kin,
and once when there was company and old folks was there,
she mocked them and she shocked them and said, she didn't care.
And just as she turned on her heels to go and run and hide,
there was two great big black things a standing by her side.
They snatched her through the ceiling fore she knew what shes about,
and the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!

When the night is dark and scary, and the moon is full
and creatures are a flying and the wind goes Whoooooooooo,
you better mind your parents and your teachers fond and dear,
and cherish them that loves ya, and dry the orphans tears
and help the poor and needy ones that cluster all about,
or the goblins will get ya if ya don't watch out!!!

It is Okay to Quit

This final week of Keltober, I have had several friends send me emails, texts, or notes that I actually took the time to read and reflect on. Don't get me wrong - it is not that I don't read my friends' notes. It is simply that I preview most of them, skimming and gleaning data, information, nuggets, or whatever, to ascertain if I should spend one of my most precious resources (time) taking a deeper dive.

It has been a challenging week based on weather, child, illness, emotions, and just plain ol' life. One of my friends I call "3D" sent this one...good stuff to remember on any given day.

Take care my friends. As always, thanks for taking a peek.

~Kelley
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1. Quit arguing with people about the same old foolishness! Respect their position and keep it moving!

2. Quit telling people your secrets when you know they are not going to keep them! And if you keep telling them, then quit getting mad when they tell your secrets!

3. Quit trying to pull people on your journey who don't want to travel with you. Either they believe in you and value you...or they don't!

4. Quit complaining about things you can't and won't change!

5. Quit gossiping about other people! Minding our own business should be a full time job!

6. Quit blaming each other for things that in the big picture aren't going to matter three weeks from now! Talk solutions...and then implement them!

7. Quit eating things you know are not good for you! If you can't quit...eat smaller portions!

8. Quit buying things when we know we can't afford them! If you don't have self control, then quit going to the stores! Quit charging things, especially when you don't NEED them!

9. Quit staying in unhealthy relationships! It is not okay for people to verbally or physically abuse you! So quit lying to yourself! It is not okay to stay in the marriage for the children! Ask them and they will tell you that they really would prefer to see you happy and that the misery you and your spouse/partner are living with is affecting them!

10. Quit letting family members rope you into the drama! -Start telling them you don't want to hear it! Quit spreading the drama! Quit calling other relatives and telling them about your cousin or aunt! Go back to #5 minding your own business should be enough to keep you busy!

11. Quit trying to change people! IT DOESN'T WORK! Quit cussing people out when you know that they are just being the miserable and jealous people that they are!

12. Quit the job you hate! Start pursuing your passion. Find the job that fuels your passion BEFORE you quit!

13. Quit volunteering for things that you aren't getting any personal fulfillment from anymore! Quit volunteering for things and then failing to follow through with your commitment!

14. Quit listening to the naysayers! Quit watching the depressing news if you are going to live in the doom and gloom of it all!

15. Quit making excuses about why you are where you are or why you can't do what you want to do!

16. Quit waiting on others to give you the answers...and start finding the answers for yourself! If what you are doing isn't working for you...then quit it!

17. Quit settling and start making your dreams a reality!- Quit being afraid and START LIVING YOUR LIFE! CREATE THE LIFE YOU WANT! If you want something different than what you have had in the past...you must quit doing what you have done before and DO something different! JUST QUIT IT ...... and START DOING something to create the experience you want!

Motivational Speaker - Veraunda Jackson

Tonight is One Of "Those Nights"

It is Saturday night and life is good. Life is so good that I really have no business complaining about much...except...yes, I said, "except!" I miss him!

In fact I am even a little emotional about it and teary-eyed...just a big baby quite honestly. So, as usual, to help me cope, I put words on paper to help process my emotions. I am not apologizing for my feelings - just passively acknowledging them in my blog. And, I am even pouting a bit...sad but true.

Happy Weekend to all that read my odds ends on any given day!

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I’d rather feel the loving gaze of your eyes
Than hear your tender voice where the "visuals" can be disguised.

I’d rather sit with you in the quiet of silence
Than have the physical distance - no matter the pretense.

I’d rather be unfiltered and raw in your presence
Than polished and refined, yet still a mess.

I miss you.

I’d rather see you laugh and smile
Instead of hearing your laughter across the telephone miles.

I’d rather look at the stars and moon with you next to me
Instead of wondering wherever you are, do you see exactly what I see?

I’d rather tell you how my day was while feeling your touch
Instead of missing you so damn much.

I don’t slow down, but keep my waking hours occupied
Instead of crying, my tears are denied.

It doesn’t matter that I am strong and can survive this
There is a void that still exists.

I miss you.

I Am Soooo "Gone!"

I haven't been blogging much, not for lack of thinking, processing, and such. The truth is I between the new job, working, commuting, and Elijah's schedule. My days are really packed. Furthermore, I spend virtual time with the love of my life (Bill).

Virtual time could be on the phone, text, on line...you know. This past weekend I was able to tack on a few days to a business trip and visit him in the Washington DC area. It was an amazing trip for so many reasons. He is amazing. The experiences he shared with me were amazing.

I hope "amazing" doesn't sound trite. It just seems like a simple, yet powerful word. I am so thankful he came into my life again after all these years. I am thankful he is my gentleman, my friend, my confidant, my teacher, my sweetheart, my comic relief, my comforter, and my lover. I look forward to the day he is my husband, the father of my children, and my life-long partner.

So, maybe a future blog will talk about meeting that first night in the Reagan airport; his sweet kiss; the trip home on the Metro, the rain; the night we spent and the DC Comedy Improv; the pouring rain; watching DVDs in his arms; his gentle touch; my surprise birthday dinner on the Potomac River; our midnight stroll through Washington Mall; (did I mention) the pouring rain; the stimulating conversation; and the feeling of stability, comfort, safeness, and complete unconditional love that ensues my essence being with him.

Until then, I have made a promise to do a better job capturing our lives and times. I have missed a few soccer game, Elijah Excerpt moments, and family stuff. On a closing note, I am soooo gone - so in love!

To Feel or Not to Feel

Emotions are an interesting thing – at least they are for me.

In business, I am really good (not to toot my own horn, but just ask somebody) at taking the emotion out of a situation. I can get individuals or a group of people back on track, focused on facts, business results, logical outcomes, etc.; all the time not negating their emotions associated with the topic or task (just redirecting). At work, I can easily extract the emotion from a situation and help others get aligned, even if and when emotions are ever changing.

In my personal life, I have a ‘love – hate’ relationship with emotions. I wouldn’t refer to my emotions as an enemy; however the logical, practical, thinking side of me questions them. I recently told Bill (my sweetheart) that I was wondering if I living in an alternate universe based on the highs I was feeling. I mean, really!?! In my nearly 40 years, I had yet to experience such a high, high, for so long…couldn’t be real?!

We all know our feelings change. Think of any one long-term relationship in your life (maybe a parent, your significant other, a sibling, a child, etc.). When you think of that relationship over the years, I am sure there are stories that come to mind where s/he made you laugh hysterically, or really pissed you off, or hurt your feelings (just to name a few). There is a whole spectrum of emotions we can feel on any given day. Heck, I can go through ten different emotions before I leave for work in the morning. Emotions lift us up and they let us down. Our highs don't last indefinitely, and our lows are painful. One might conclude emotions are unreliable; just ask anyone who has fallen in love or had a broken heart – talk about the roller coaster of emotions.

The truth is, emotions motivate us to take action. They call us to engage the mind and to make decisions on what needs to be done. A key challenge is understanding (many times in hindsight) when we are making a wise or foolish decision(s). Negative and positive emotions are morally neutral.

It is what we do in response to our emotions that leads to the infamous “good or bad” or “right or wrong.” Negative emotions call for positive action. Positive emotions call us to celebrate. Take time to listen to your emotions.

Elijah Excerpts: New School Year

Make a Smilebox postcard

Hop on the Trust Train to Nowhere

For the record, Elijah is sooo sorry! In fact, he is “DOUBLE sorry!” “I’m sorry,” has become a regular phrase heard at Martin Manor the past few weeks by a little boy who is mastering the English language, exploring boundaries, and testing socialization techniques and strategies. Elijah’s ability to break an overhead light cover was no shock to me as he jumped down the stairs. With all his might he jumped as high as he could before thumping down on the landing. As he has been reminded before, said landing is the ceiling of the flight of stairs down to the basement. With his superior THUD, we could hear the overhead light cover fall to the carpeted ground, roll down the stairs and break as it slammed into the bathroom door….hhhmmmm didn’t I warn him that might happen? Didn’t I tell him not to jump on the landing? Why, yes! Yes! Yes, I did! But let’s not forget, Elijah is soooo sorry.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled Elijah is expressing empathy and manners. The question is, “is the apology genuine?” Approaching five years old (WOW!), I am okay with the idea that this is how he learns. One of my roles is to teach him manners, empathy, cause and effect, and a slue of other things. How do you “teach” someone to mean what you say? Hell! I still get tongue tied or have challenges expressing myslelf while knocking on 40.

No matter the relationship, no matter your gender, you/we want to be taken at our word. I wanted to Elijah to take me at my word. Likewise, I believe he wants me to take him at his word…that he is sorry. So, why do I question his apologetic ways?
Before I carry on, let me just say, “Yes. Guilty as charged. I am overanalyzing this.” In my defense, I see this behavior over and over personally and professionally; in my life and in others’ lives. It is an element of trust. One of the things that cultivates trust is a person who consistently keeps their word. If I am talking about my child, my significant other, my boss…whomever, when you see “someone’s” words lining up with their actions, trust will naturally follow.
Alas, building and working on trust is an indefinite ongoing process with everyone (everyone you choose to invest the time and energy in). It is not a destination….it is part of the infamous journey.

One Month

Last month, something, or should I say someone, happened to me. Four weeks ago, July 18th, I saw someone I had not seen in (literally) decades...and I have not been the same. Immediately, from the very start, every interaction and emotion was different. At 38, you'd think I would have felt this way at some time in my life. It is not as if I have never felt strongly for someone, or even loved them. But, it is true, I have never felt this way.

I am always mindful of cliche but true sayings such as: life is what you make it; nothing in life is guaranteed; live in the now; life is what you make it; etc. All those things being said, if I only felt this way for a month in my life...no more...I'd take it. I'd rather have experienced this subtle yet intense passion and hope for a month, than to have only wondered about the reality of all the poems, songs, and romance stories told through the ages. I have lived on adrenaline, endorphins, bewilderment, hope, and love the past four weeks - and enjoyed every minute of it. I appreciate what I have had thus far.


Just for Me


“Can I keep you?” I want to know…
Every single interaction makes me glow.
From the inside out, I don’t question this.
I know what and who you are is what I’ve missed.
I think you were made just for me -
Special ordered, my dream, my fantasy.
Reading your words, listening to your voice,
I am reminded I always have a choice.
I choose you; I choose “us” right now.
I want forever and wedding vows.
I want to be with you completely.
Random uncertainty does not scare me.
I’d fear the notion of not trying “us,”
Being with you is a must.

A Year to the Day

365 days ago, I woke up in a town home I had seen on line and my mother was kind enough (excited, eager, giddy enough) to scope out...be my eyes on the ground and put down the deposit a month before we moved back. Thank goodness, we had family and inadvertent things that made the transition more than manageable.

It would be a little over a week before our belongings would arrive, so between my parents and the landlord (who was the fomer "tenant") we had a bed, sheets, towels, dishes, etc. to get by for a while. I had two weeks to get Elijah acclimated to our new home, city, state, and prepped for a new school experience (which in hind sight was nice to have...but acclimation can't be forced into a predefined time period).

The past year has been amazing. There are few very things that I would have guessed would play out the way they did. Everything from Elijah's experience (or lack of) with his father, fun times with family (my dad's 60th, Chatfield Christmas lights, to name a few...)the transition to the new school, the new job I accepted with Seagate, the ability to visit our California family twice, started dating again since the divorce, reconnecting with old friends from grade and middle school, my layoff experience, Spring Break in Estes, the new employment opportunity, camping and fishing, and all of Elijah's sports fun - gymnastics, swimming, and soccer - all a blast for him and me...and even some family members...many of these things played out in ways I couldn't have anticipated.

While I am a huge proponent for not reliving the past and living in the moment, I believe there is value in reflection. When I woke up this morning (like many mornings), I counted my blessings. The past year has been packed with emotional, physical, and spiritual experiences and lessons. No matter what adjectives I use or how hard I rack my brain to choose the "right" words, the fundamental thought that transcends through all my ideas, memories, and emotions is how incredibly thankful and appreciative I am for the truly amazing people in my life.

My parents, best friend, old friends, mentors, extended family members, new friends, and Elijah are invaluable to my happiness, peace, sanity, solitude, outlook, strength, and so much more.

I look forward to what the next five days, month, season, year, and beyond bring for me and my little guy. I am realistic that it won't all be warm, fuzzy, fun, or whatever. Likewise, I am realistic I have and will continue to invest in relationships with loved ones that may act as sounding boards, pillars of strength, fountains of laughter, voices of reason, etc....when I may be running on fumes.

Let's see what the future brings..."bring it!"

Christmas In July

As 2009 continues to unfold, I continue to grow and evolve in ways I didn't know were even possible. Just this month, I have indirectly received a rare and precious gift.

I have very unexpectedly experienced a man in a way I had only hoped I would one day - and that day could have just as easily remained a fantasy versus a reality. Truth be told, a few months ago, I resigned myself to the notion I would not put any time or energy into a romantic relationship until Elijah was grown and out of the house.

But something changed. Someone incredibly special has me speechless.


I don’t think him, I feel him.
I don’t think about what words to say, I just say them.
I don’t try to think ahead of him and what he will say or do.
Instead I listen; I wait; I wonder.
I don’t think about what he is or isn’t –
He just is…
He is… the one who effortlessly makes me smile.
He makes me feel like no other woman ever shared his heart.
He is my heart’s desire.
His values mirror mine – as if we were raised together.
He just is...
He is the one who makes me laugh, over and over, again and again.
I can’t wait to hear what he’ll say next. It is unknown, unique to him.
He melts my heart with simple, eloquent words that are as genuine as his love.
I feel his words; they comfort me like a favorite blanket , soft and warm.
I trust him - what he says and does – his character.
I believe him; I believe in him; I believe in us.
He is…he just is.
He is the one who has me at a loss for words, because –
Because I don’t “think” him, I “feel” him.
I love him.

Elijah Excerpts: First Camping Trip

Make a Smilebox slideshow

The Current State

"A picture is worth a thousand words!"

Alas, I have conquered the first two weeks of my latest transition. I started a new job, in a new company, in an unfamiliar area, l-o-n-g working days, hired a new nanny, handled automobile issues, baby's daddy drama, and the usual day in and day out nuances that come with good clean, living as a single working parent, sister, daughter, cousin, friend, and employee.

Wheh! Next on the list is a mini-get-away to California to visit our pseudo family - some of the wonderful friends we made during our three-plus years in the South Bay. In addition to trying to decompress this weekend, I am gearing up for travel this week. While at a mall today, Elijah and I took a picture in one of those tiny photo booths....wow!

No matter the smile, sometimes you just can't hide the "tiredness." I could argue that the picture quality is poor, or that I have on no makeup; but the truth is, Elijah looks as happy, rested, and down right "cute as a button." So, the current state is - I am happy. I am grateful. I am loved. I am healthy. I am enjoying time with friends and family. I am blessed with an abundant life!

...even if I am tired (she said in a monotone voice in between the yawns).

I am reminded of my friend(s) who:

• continue to lose their jobs;
• have a severe illness;
• have a spouse with a deteriorating health condition;
• didn't have a father to spend time with or call during Fathers Day;
• has a child just diagnosed with autism;
• who don't know if they can pay their mortgage from month-to-month;
• have family members away at war;
• have a baby who needs significant surgery;
• need health insurance and can't get any coverage; and
• the list goes on.

So, while my current state is largely colored by a state of 'tiredness,' I will gladly adorn my dark, puffy circles as a badge of glory. Life is good.

Again - thanks for reading our odds and ends on any given day.

~Kelley

Happy Parents Day

Fathers Day weekend was great for so many obvious reasons and some not-so-obvious reasons, completely unrelated to Fathers Day. Nevertheless, I am reminded I will always have a choice as to how I express any less than positive emotions as I strive to be a positive, loving, supportive parent for a four-year old boy with the whole world in front of him.

The following words helped me release some of my frustrations yesterday.

Thank you for reading my words on the good and bad days.

Kelley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Narcissistic Entitlement

Your sense of entitlement has you confused,

Reaping rewards off of relationships you’ve selfishly abused.

There are no guarantees just because he’s your son.

When responsibility and love are needed you don’t run.

No not you ~ you just disappear,

Expecting to access parental benefits with no shame or fear.

Nothing is promised, we know this to be true

Even when it comes to your children and their love for you.

There are no rights, agreements, or mandates that make a man a genuine dad;

Your disgusting narcissism is tragic and sad.

The symptoms seem to worsen year after year.

Is it pain, ignorance, carelessness, I am unclear?

So continue to blame me if that works for your plan.

My only concern is a raising a strong, happy, healthy, independent man.

The Next Chapter

My fingertips on my left hand are extended, gently resting on my chest. Next, I hold my chest and try…and try again. I breathe through my mouth, just enough to feel like I can swallow the empty air, visually forcing it into my lungs. It is not enough.

I stop and focus. “Think Kelley, think. Focus.” With my mouth closed, I consciously think about it. I imagine the air in my diaphragm slowly climbing to the crown of my body until there is nothing else to inhale, slowly exhaling through my nose. My shoulders relax. Oh, it is a little better…thank goodness. I couldn't breathe. Maybe I should do that a couple of times. Aw, yes! Better!

I started a new chapter in my career earlier this week. Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted! My eyes burned, even when I closed them. Eventually, I fell asleep (maybe around 1AM Monday; only to wake up at 5:00AM.

As the week went on, my eyes burned less and the breathing became easier. The reality is a "new chapter" in my career, translates to a "new chapter" in my life and ultimately Elijah's life. Despite the fact my senses and mind were on sensory and informational overload, it became easier – this is my life. Welcome to the new chapter Ms. Martin.

Ordered Chaos Has Returned

June's weather is turning out to be a potpourri or things such as thunderstorms, gentle rain showers, multiple tornadoes, 80 degrees of vitamin-D sunshine days, and cool evenings with a lightening show in far off distance.

...kinda like my life! Tomorrow I am thrilled to start a new chapter in my career. Inevitably, the 'thunder' of it all vibrates through my personal life as well (I think that is normal, whatever "normal" really means).

Since Thursday, I have been interviewing part-time nannies, the regular day-to-day stuff, spending extra time with Mr. E, getting our clothes and necessities ready for "the big day," socializing and celebrating with friends and family, preparing for a reunion next week, helping a few friends out with some documentation-related stuff, and playing a few addictive games on FaceBook.

Tomorrow is my "first day of school" after my sabbatical. In preparation, the last few days have moments of peace and beauty but the weather is changing. I suspect everything is aligning for a potential tornado warning in Martin Manor. I believe I am prepared with all the important gear and necessary precautions. Whatever blows my way...bring it! I am a strong woman with a fabulous foundation to help me and my little guy stay grounded and dry through whatever the universe may bring our way ~ hallelujah!

- As always, thanks for checking in and reading our "Odds and Ends."

Kelley

His Turn

This morning was worse!

Today is day four of Elijah's summer camp. Day three was a "real winner." Every Wednesday the bambinos go swimming at the local rec center. If you remotely know anything about my child, he's a water lover! So, again, yesterday he had an awesome day at camp.

Day four, in contrast to day two documented in my entry, "The Milestone..." boo hoo. Today one of the guides, Ms. Michelle had to hold Elijah, with a bit of force, as I left and he cried.

It was terrible. Note to selfish self: it is always better to have a confident, happy, secure little one wave goodbye with no hugs or kisses versus a sad, tired, hurt child cry as someone restrains them from holding on to you.

The Milestone

It was a hazy summer morning in the Denver-metro area. Today was the second day of summer camp for Elijah. Mindful of how the Colorado sun can pierce through the clouds and burn skin of all ages, Kelley showed Elijah how to spray his new Neutorgena sunblock, SPF 70 with Helioplex on his hands.

Elijah was very intrigued. As with many creatures that have large levels of testosterone racing through their bodies, Elijah pretended it was a gun…of course he did! Kelley no longer got upset that everything with a certain shape or ability could become an imaginary gun at her son’s whim. Instead, they stood there in the parking lot while Elijah became enamored with the shiny glow the sunblock left on his skin.

As they walked into the school for summer camp it felt odd. The halls were quiet, dark, and silent. They were not bustling with children of all ages. It was unlike the feeling and sounds during the school year. It wasn’t so much odd as “different.” Per the routine, Kelley walked Elijah to the cubby where he was to leave his backpack and lunch box in Ms. Bridget’s classroom. Next, she escorted him down the hall to the school’s cafetorium where the other summer camp participants signed in for the day.

As they entered the double doors of the cafetorium, they found the hustle and bustle that was absent from their walk into the school. The energy of the school was all contained in one concentrated space. There was chatter, laughter, yelling, and lots of playing amongst 20 or so children. There were so many sounds and sights in this small space Kelley did not feel Elijah let go of her hand. Kelley was observing the other children, wondering their ages, if they were having fun, if this was the right environment for Elijah to spend his summer time, ensuring fun and a genuine break from the school routine.

Just then, Kelley saw Ms. Amy, the summer camp coordinator. Due to the mix up of Elijah’s summer enrollment paperwork, Kelley wanted to check in and see if the paperwork was located or if she needed to complete a new copy. After the brief discussion, Kelley officially signed in Elijah. As she was preparing to leave, she looked around the cafetorium for her ray of sunshine. Elijah’s back was to Kelley. Above the chatter and laughter of the little ones, Kelley yelled his name, “Elijah…Elijah.” Elijah did not answer as he had already integrated himself into ‘the playing.’

Then, one of the camp guides called Elijah. No answer. Then another, guide tried…again, no answer. Finally, after one last attempt, Elijah turned around as one of the guides said, “Elijah, your mom is leaving.” He turned around with a different kind of look Kelley wasn’t sure she had seen on his face before that very moment. It was a blend of his “bashful-shy look,” and his “don’t bother me now” look. Kelley smiled as she waited for him to walk over to her.

But he didn’t. Instead, he slowly raised his hand, waived it from side-to-side and sheepishly said, “Bye mom.” Kelley gasped out loud. It was such a loud gasp, three of the camp guides looked at her as her eyes watered up. The look on her face must have said it all. One camp guide said, “Yes. I know. I’ve been there.” A second camp guide responded with a rhetorical question, “They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

Kelley waved back, but Elijah was no longer looking. She turned around and walked through the double doors no longer able to hear the chatter or laughter, only the thoughts in her head. “He did it. I wasn't ready yet. I can’t believe I didn’t get a kiss or hug! Where did my baby go? I don’t have a baby anymore – I have a boy – a big boy who continues to become his own person.” As she left the building and got in the car, she sat there for a minute reminding herself that this was normal and millions of parents have experienced this before her and millions will experience it after her... but at four?! Nevertheless, it didn’t change the fact that she momentarily needed and wanted to grieve for the passing of this phase of his childhood. She logically realized he’ll probably hug and kiss her good bye again before too long. It was just that this was the first time he intentionally didn’t.

Gifts

Some people ask, "Why me?" Others ask, "Why not me?"

No matter your issue or opportunity, your perspective on the reality you are faced with at that moment will undoubtedly affect your approach and outcome associated with the issue or opportunity. While I am not willingly signing up for not-so-great times, I have some fundamental beliefs that carry me through.

I have and continue to be blessed with family and friends that regularly give love and compassion just when I need it. Many times I didn't know how much I needed it until I accepted their gift. What I have strived to do is treat people the way I want to be treated and give when and how I can give. And quite honestly, there have been times I thought my own "account" was in the red, so I had nothing to give, but a kind deed or word impacted a friend or family member in a way I couldn't have imagined or even planned. So, no matter my current state, I try to live by "the golden rule." In all fairness, I have so much room for improvement, but awareness is priceless.

Mindful of the law of attraction, I continue to have people graciously say and do things for me, Elijah, and or for people I love and care about beyond measure. The people and/or their words and/or actions are genuine gifts. Sometimes they know in advance what a huge gift it is and give it freely. Other times, they don't realize what a phenomenal act they are performing. I may not be able to return the exact same gift to that specific person(s), but do try to "play it forward" by saying or doing things for others, again, as I would appreciate and value from someone else....no magic recipe.

This weekend, I was thankful for grandparents and friends. Elijah's grandparents paid for his swim lessons he started this weekend. It was not the financial act that meant so much (though appreciated); instead it meant more to me that we have people in our lives who gladly encourage and support him as he learns and grows into his own being. After swim lessons Saturday morning, Elijah's best bud's mom, offered to have Elijah over to their home so I could have a few hours to myself. I was so overwhelmed I literally couldn't respond at first. Then, when I hopped back in the car while he ran off to play without a care in the world, I teared up as Julie put her hand on my shoulder and told me to take my time and do something for me - HUGE gift. Then we enjoyed their great company and a wonderful dinner together as they graciously opened up their home to us.

I don't typically ask "Why me?" I tend to think, "Why not me?" No matter how you look at it, everything is possible when you have love and compassion in your life.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. ~Dalai Lama

Elijah Excerpts: Water Baby

I love the seasons....all four of them.  Again, I miss so many things about California, but I didn't really have all four seasons there (which wasn't all bad, you just miss certain stages of mother nature that are beautiful in their own right).  

As we shift into summer, I am upholding a tradition of sorts.  Elijah started swim lessons today.  Elijah's first swim lessons were in California when he was less than a year old (we moved there when he was eight months).  Ever since then, swim lessons "a must" for my water baby.

You see, Elijah is destined for the water.  I can't give you any facts to explain my beliefs other than he was conceived in the tropics; he has lived in the pool every summer out of necessity and desire; he has an innate love, appreciation, and respect for the ocean; and you'd have thought he was born and raised in a fishing village the way this kid can eat fish, specifically shashimi and sushi.

My master plan is to ensure Elijah has the respect, understanding, skills, and techniques to master the pool, the lake, the ocean, or any other body of water he is drawn to in his life time.  More importantly, if he is not having fun, then it doesn't matter.  I want Elijah to do it for himself, not me, or anyone else (because there is a remote chance I am wrong and he is not destined for the water in some way).  So, if he wants the learning experience, I want to help make it possible.

Today, Elijah had fun in his "Minnow" swimming class with Ms. Jacqueline...yeah for him! 

Elijah Excerpts: First Horse Back Riding Excursion

Happy trails to you ~ until we meet again...

Yes!  Elijah and I had a great summer afternoon horseback riding.  As we have been exploring a variety of outdoor excursions 20 miles or less from our home, we have come to find one favorite - Bear Creek Lake Park.  

Inside the park there are so many things to do, including stables for riding.  It was Elijah's "first."  And, it was no surprise to me, the boy had no fear.  The "wranglers" were impressed with how laid back, calm, and engaged Elijah was during the hour long ride and through the overall experience.    (I was reminded of his first motorcycle ride with his Papa Larry last summer at 3 years old ~ again, NO FEAR!).

During the ride, he spotted a mule deer or white tail deer ( I couldn't tell by the time I saw it).  He grinned from ear to ear when the horse crossed the white water river.  He giggled when the horses trotted.  All in all, he was a natural.  He learned to lean back when going down a hill, how to hold the reins, and get the horse to trot. 

The weather was perfect! It was a bit overcast with a gentle breeze.  The scenery was gorgeous.  We took everything in through all of our senses - wonderful sights, sounds, and smells (and some not so nice smells thanks to Elijah's horse Bella).  

We ended the experience at Soda Lake (in the same park) digging in the sand and a little bit of playground time - how much better does it get for a four year old city boy?!

Another Poem for Me

The rain symbolizes so many tangible and elusive things to me.  At a minimum, I find the rain to be sensual, nurturing, and cleansing.  I speculate the weather is somewhat influencing my current blog entries with poems about growth, transition, and cleansing (such as today’s entry). 

Cleansing and Closure

I must confess I’m in denial.

I thought these feeling would pass after a while.

I am disappointed and can’t articulate why.

Neither one of us has to explain or justify.

Sometimes I feel like you really tried

Other times I wonder if you simply lied.

If you truly felt the way you said

Could you erase me from your life as if I were dead?

That’s how your actions made me feel

Like the time we had wasn’t real.

Intentional or not, that was the result.

Hurt feelings like a child, instead of an adult.

I said it before and I’ll say it again

I have no regrets, up to the very end.

You are an extraordinary person I’m glad to have known.

A part of me is sad that I chose to be alone.

There was no one else I replaced you with

I am insatiable searching for a possible myth.

You did not betray me; you were true to yourself.

I search for the man who can stand strong when there is no one else ~

Beside me without shrinking or hiding in triumph or despair,

No matter the void or bounty, “he” is always there.

As I rinse the spots of hurt from my heart

I close this chapter and transition to the next part.

Ideally there are lessons I learned on this phase of my journey

To ready me for the new opportunity.

Thank you for those lessons I recognize and those that I will

Wishing us both peace and love, as our separate destinies are fulfilled.  

Blame It on the Rain

Among some of my favorite things in the world, water is included at the top of the list.  I love to drink water (with lemon); I love the smell, sound, and feel of the ocean; I love the smell of rain; there is nothing like a hot shower pounding at the nape of my neck....water is amazing.  It is sensual.  It is a powerful element of living we often take for granted.  Last night's rain inspired me.  

Note:  adult reading only.

The Rainy Experience

The rain descends from the heavens, gently kissing the ground

Just as I yearn for your lips to grace mine.

The clouds glide across the stars’ light

Just as I desire your hands to softly glide across my body.

The atmosphere is charged with electricity and energy

Just as I lust for you to touch me, kiss me with heated energy and passion.

The gentle breeze whispers through the night sky

Just as I crave your erotic whispers in my ear.

Under the cover of night, the spring storm swells the earth with moisture

Just as I ache for you to swell inside me.

The rainy night nourishes the thirsty soil

Just as making love sustains my physical being.

Streaks of lightening are accompanied by explosive noises

Just as your strokes result in my moans of pleasure.

The earth’s surface and rain become one

Just as we melt into one entity of climaxing ecstasy.  

the perception of true love

 

I looked for you, as young girls often do.

The fairy tales and wishing stars,

Waiting for you to woo.

I looked for you in a variety of men.

From little girl’s daddy to young woman’s boyfriend -

My swollen heart was merely on lend.

I once looked for you to complete me

Because love takes two

Despite the foretold difficulties.

I no longer eagerly look; I’ve moved on.

Not aimlessly searching or filling a void

In life’s “game,” I am a Queen, not a pawn.

Living life, learning, growing, enjoying what I do,

Knowing nothing is impossible,

While the smell and taste of hope and anticipation ensue.

I suspect our destined paths may one day cross

As I boldly choose my individual path,

Versus yearning for the crossroads, at a loss.

Until that momentous time and place

Genuine True Love

Is an idea I still graciously embrace.

Striving for love to radiate from me at all times

In all of my relationships

Fulfilled beyond poetic rhymes.

Deserving of love, receiving it in abundance,

A multitude of meaningful sources,

My aching soul no longer hopelessly hunts.

The more I love, the more love enters my life.

Every day and every way, better and better ~

Doesn’t mean the “end game” is as someone’s wife.

Like so many things in life, true love is no exception

It is what you make it-

Your reality is your perception.  

What You See Is What You Get

Between 1956 and 1980, unbeknown to the rest of the world, the Russians incorporated mental imagery training into their gymnasts' physical training; resulting in improved performance.  Specifically, there is a well-known study where Russian scientists compared four groups of their Olympic athletes in relation to their training schedules:

• Group 1 = 100% physical training;
  
• Group 2 - 75% physical training with 25% mental training;
  
• Group 3 - 50% physical training with 50% mental training; and,
  
• Group 4 - 25% physical training with 75% mental training.
  

With 75% of their time devoted to mental training, Group 4 performed the best.   The Russian scientists discovered mental images can act as a prelude to muscular impulses.   

WOW!  I knew visualization techniques were used in sports psychology to enhance athletes’ performances, but was not familiar with this data.   As I look for proven strategies to aid me in my current “walk,” I have learned more about “Creative Visualization.”  I like the idea of affecting the (or should I say my) outer world by using my imagination; visualizing specific behaviors or events in my life, changing my thoughts for the better.    When “visualizing,” it goes beyond what you see or imagine.  What do you feel?  What do smell, what do you hear?    I completely understand and appreciate the value in Creative Visualization for physical activities.  For example, in sports, a golfer may visualize the "perfect" stroke over and over again to mentally train muscle memory.   I want to visualize the “perfect” job for me; the “perfect” significant other; or fundamental basics of how and what I think proactively and reactively so my actions and words are consistently aligned in all that I do (sound kind of ‘fluffy?’). 

 

Visualization practices are a common form of spiritual exercise, especially in esoteric traditions and some Eastern religions.  Regardless of your spiritual  or religious beliefs or cultural background, many people across the globe have heard of concepts like “positive thinking” and “affirmations.”   These concepts have grown increasingly popular due to Rhonda Byrne's The Secret and The Law of Attraction  series by Esther Hicks and Jerry Hicks.   Another household name over the last decade, Anthony Robbins, popularized affirmations referring to them as "neuro- linguistic programming" (NLP). 

 

So, as I consider all the areas where positive thinking will aid my current state in life, I truly do embrace the notion my thoughts can be solidified by affirmations, resulting in my success.  In an attempt to format and initiate effective affirmations, I thought I’d leverage the blogging journey to write down a few that I plan to repeat and visualize frequently, as I fine tune Creative Visualization for myself:

• I am open and willing to attract all I desire being here and now.
  
• I have the perfect job for me; wonderful and satisfying.
  
• The right circumstance and right people are already here and will show up on time.
  
• As I un-clutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.
  
• I am healthy and fit, with my body functioning in the right way.
  
• I have the ability to accomplish any task I set my mind to do with ease and comfort.
  
• Being me involves no risks. It is my ultimate truth and I live fearlessly.
  
• I have infinite patience when it comes to fulfilling my own destiny.
  
• I would rather be loathed for who I am than loved for whom I am not.
  
• I am an infinite being. The age of my body has no bearing of what I do or what I am.
  
• I live in the present moment, feeling, hearing, tasting, and smelling the details.
  
• I accomplish anything I put my mind to because I know I am never alone.  
  
• My body has an athletic form and is the right and healthy weight.
  

**********