And I Rise

For several months now, I have started every work week with key words or phrases that are meaningful to me. The words or phrases were meant to help me focus and get through the day or the week and operate in such a manner regardless of what was going on around me.

A few weeks into my process, I had a team member who was "going through." As such, I shared my words with my team. And it turns out, it helped more than me some days. In fact, I have a few other colleagues who will ask me on a Monday or a Tuesday, "what's the word this week?"

The truth is this weekend was really rough on me and I hadn't put much thought into preparing physically or emotionally for Monday morning at work. As I was parking my car this morning, a text came through. It read:

John Michael Montgomery told me this morning, "life is a dance we learn as we go...sometimes we lead, sometimes we follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance, we learn as we go." Made me think of your metaphors. Happy Monday.

It was a reminder that the littlest of gestures can have a memorable impact on people. As my day progressed, the phrase for the remainder of this week is - Phoenix Rising!

Peace and Love.

My Sunday

If I could capture my emotions in a word right now, it would be "uggghhh!" What a roller coaster of highs and lows this weekend. Well, if nothing else, I know I am human...

So, as always, I will "throw up" on paper as I try to find peace when and where I can right now.

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My Santuary

I exist.

My soul yearns to be gently kissed.

In my silence; in my pondering; while the chaos spins outside of my being, I am reminded my sanctuary is not found in someone else.

A holistic view of my physical and emotional health,

I dream of my mind, heart, and soul being protected; yet that is a fairy tale.

To have not taken the risk, would have been to fail.

While there is an open invitation to my altar, I stand alone; while the chaos spins outside of my being.

From the distance, there are new things I am seeing.

I exist. I exist alone.

Intended to be respectful, genuine, transparent, unconditional, and open in my tone.

In my silence, I find refuge in music and poetry; while the chaos spins outside of my being.

My sanctuary offers no words for the hearing; only actions for the seeing.

Not my darkest hour... I still find bliss.

I exist.

In Honor Of "Parent's Day"

In the United States, we seem to now celebrate all kinds of things (maybe simply in honor of the infamous Hallmark holiday). Sunday is supposedly "Parent's Day." Well, if we're gonna celebrate anything, parents are just as good as, if not better, than other reasons to honor, respect, and celebrate... Happy Parents Day to your parents and those that are parents.

Have a great weekend and enjoy reflecting on this antonymous poem.

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When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer,
and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked...
and wanted to say thanks for all the things
I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

- Anonymous

Emotions, Blind Spots, and Baggage

As I cleanse my mind tonight, I fully admit I am not "all knowing" or have a solid track record in various relationships that warrant me having enough nerve to capture what I think anyone wants and deserves in a healthy relationship. So, I will keep it simple. Despite my emotions, blind spots, and baggage, I have maintained and continue to maintain, if you're gonna choose a spouse, I'd recommend s/he is someone who innately makes the good times better and the bad times easier!

Mutual respect is key!

I don't see how anyone can maintain a happy, healthy long-term relationships with anyone who they do not respect, or who does not respect you. There are so many other things, such as dignity and worth that humans associate with "respect." How do you feel when people you care about disrespect you? Does your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife disrespect you?

I'd bet a big chunk of change, once the implicit or explicit put downs, disregard, or dishonesty become a part of the everyday relationship, you're not likely to be in a happy, healthy long-term relationship... it is not rocket science.

Trust is nurtured and protected!

Love and trust are intertwined like strands of a rope. When trust is broken, love is diminished and "the rope" is damaged. When trust is diligently maintained, love grows stronger and stronger.

Be true to you!

If you choose not to be the 100% authentic you with someone, it is only a matter of time before the facade comes crashing down. If you are being who you truly are, resisting the impulse to play games or put on a false person to impress someone, "the one" will value your individuality and uniqueness. During the good times and the bad times, your authenticity in any circumstance is critical to a happy, healthy long-term relationship. Again, the facade will come crashing down (sometimes sooner than later).

An attitude of Service!

...an attitude of "you first." If you are with someone who shows little regard for your wishes and opinions; intent on getting his/her way; doesn't ask about your life; and consistently displays a "me first" attitude - run! Do you deserve selfish or selfless? Do you adore big-headed or big-hearted? If his/her prevailing attitude and actions are "me, me, me" versus some combination of "you, us, you, us," a long-term relationship with him or her is destined for some serious challenges.

Work Through Problems!

Life is hard under the best of circumstances. Modern life is filled with headaches and hassles that can ebb and flow in a relationship. Every dating relationship and every marriage has conflict. The truth is, disagreements are the consequence of two unique individuals expressing themselves on infinite number of issues. When two people learn "the dance" and can manage their conflicts thoroughly and efficiently so that harmony prevails most of the time....aaaahhhhh.....success!

An Abundance of Joy!

It sounds simple, but have you ever seen a random couple in public who just looked unhappy? What about a couple who looked happy. If you visualize those two separate memories, there are huge differences on your perception. Laughing, having fun, and plain ol' enjoying your partner and being together is key to long-term success.

Honesty, respect, and unconditional love are timeless pillars in the reality of a happy, healthy, long-term relationship. So, if you step our of your emotions, your blind spots, and any baggage... where did you and your partner fall out in the areas highlighted by the woman cleansing her brain tonight?

“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.” ~Richard Bach

Elijah Excerpts: Encouraging Mommy

What a night!

As those who know Elijah, know I often refer to him as "being full of piss and vinegar." Elijah can be the most hard-headed ornery child to the most loving, sweetest child in his actions and words. Tonight, Elijah woke up in the middle of the night devastated. He was was crying, screaming, and snotting everywhere. I didn't expect that my brief check-in and consolation would turn into a discussion with verbalized fears and concerns and a preliminary plan to manifest my destiny.

Elijah's words and concerns were so pointed and gut wrenching sincere that I thought, "Gee! Did some ghost channel this boy?" because it just didn't sound like something I would ever expect a five year old to say. Once I could understand through all the tears, labored breathing, and snot, Elijah conveyed he doesn't like being without me (Eh, ok... not new news... or uncommon for children and their parents). Then he goes on to share with me that I died...

So, translation, in his dream, I died. I teared up once I imagined if I really died how this little boy would cope. He continues on sharing that he doesn't want me to die; he wants to spend more time with me; he wants me to be around when he is a grown up; wants me to be healthy; and (get this) wants me to go to the gym and workout because "exercise is important and you don't get enough." (For the record, I know he is correct on both counts). Typing this in some ways, it is humorous - "Mommy - you're overweight and it's not healthy!" But, honestly, Elijah's genuine fear and pain was a huge motivator for me tonight.

Not to sound cavalier, but yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I am going to die one day (we all are); yet there are a host of reasons to get my butt in the gym, or running, or whatever, and live healthier. My baby boy's sleepy, heart-ache broke my heart. I wish I could use words or capture the moment in such a way that anyone could have felt what he sparked inside me.

So, tonight I am capturing this so I can reflect back on it as one of many reasons, I need to start down some lifestyle changes with some short-term and long-term goals. July 17, 2010 - I am on the road to fitness. As I put all this in writing, my mind initiates my commitment today; this week; this month; now!

Peace, love, and sweet dreams (especially to my son!)!

Who Do You Love...Who Am I to Say?

There are all kinds of theories, philosophies, formulas, and opinions on when two people know if they have found "the one." While I have read articles, books, had conversations with people, and observed successful (and not so successful) relationships, I am no expert...far from it! What I can say is, "who am I to tell someone who is or isn't right for them?"

If you choose to make someone a lifetime partner - let's say marriage- it is a commitment. It is obviously a commitment to them and to the notion that you are committing to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. As many of my favorite love songs illustrate, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. For me, I hope and believe my husband and I are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. I don't expect life to not have the infamous challenges, where one of us is heartbroken or ailing, and recognize our love for the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Again, maybe someone else does not have and/or has thought through what or who is (or isn't) right for them....but best believe, there are plenty of critics out there who have their own opinions. There are many couples in my life who I am fully aware have critics...and why? The truth is, there are some legitimate comments, petty comments, jealous comments, and many, many, more reasons the critics may feel so comfortable verbalizing or showing their opinion about someone not being "right" or "the one" for their loved one. Some critics are more passive aggressive than others.

Yet again, I ask, "who am I to tell someone who is or isn't right for them?" What I do hope and pray is that the people I love and care about find a partner (or have one who continues) to discover and grow with, in their spirit unique to themselves; with whom their relationship has a glowing depth, natural beauty, and raw joy, as the years increase. This depth, beauty, and joy can come in different packages and at different times. Regardless of the package or the timing, if my friend or family member consistently looks, sounds, and exudes some level of happiness, positive and productive interactions on any given day (barring the usual ups and downs of children, job, health, and miscellaneous stressors) - who am I to say? And if they are having challenges based on whatever... who am I to say?

The truth of the matter is, if someone I care about is in a relationship I choose not to support, then I also choose how I behave with them, or don't. I choose if "who"this person has decided to "unite" with is someone I will or won't try to build a relationship with to support him/her. If I don't have the opportunity to build a relationship with that person, then I get to decide if seeing my friend/family member happy, in-love, at peace, content (and/or whatever else s/he may exude), then I choose if accept their choice unknowingly.

And when it comes to me and my choices - who are you to say?

"Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are." ~ Houssaye

Make the Most of "It"

As I was searching for a family email to forward to my sister-in-law, for some reason, an email popped up in the search with this "poem." The email was sent from a friend over 18 months ago, during a time when one chapter of my life was closing and a new one was beginning.

Here I sit tonight wrapping up a chapter in my life and beginning the transition into the next chapter. While this was a "chain email" it still captured nuggets and reminders I thought worth sharing as you always have a choice. I choose to make the most of it.

As always, thanks for reading my randomness.

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A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe..
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe..
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe..
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.'

Emotions for the Love Of My Life

A week ago, "The Love of My Life" had a milestone birthday. This man (with little to no effort) makes me feel a whole range of emotions on any given day: proud; happy; nostalgic; anxious; comfortable; delighted; nervous; determined; pleasure; content; frustrated; fulfilled; thankful; aroused; breathless; hopeful; appreciative; sad; scared; vulnerable; joyful; foolish; amused; speechless; calm; fascinated; lovesick; intimidated; jubilant; satisfied; playful; thrilled; strong; awe; affection; wonder; embarrassed; passionate; and OF COURSE... L-O-V-E! And these are simply the words that came to mind when I play back a few call, interactions, moments, and experiences over the past few weeks.

I effortlessly refer to him as the Love of My Life for multiple reasons. The one reason I have been saying for nearly a year is, "I want him in my life forever!" But my rationale is deeper than just his presence in my life. I thought people said your "first love" is so raw and pure that all other loves after that "first love" are never the same. Since Bill has come into my life, I honestly don't know if I ever "loved" before. I know, I know...does it sound cliche? Maybe...but I know what I have felt; I know what and who I am today compared to who and what I was as a teenager and beyond. With that said, Bill is undeniably, "The Love of My Life." I pray that we have decades together; yet seem to get reminded fairly regularly these days that "nothing is promised."

After a conversation last week, I had laughed so much, for so long, my cheeks were sore the next day. While Bill is funny on any day, we were talking about "us" and certain boundaries. It wasn't the most comfortable conversation for him as it was regarding a topic from several months ago (that just didn't seem like a big deal to me). BUT - what was a big deal to me, was that we had that conversation...which is a good thing. It was a big deal to me that we could "talk through" something and come out on the other side with more transparency, clarity, and understanding of each other...have I mentioned I LOVE THAT MAN?!?!

Bill is often my muse. I have "written poetry" (if that is what one can call it) off and on through the years; however it is has been his entry into my life that has released the seal that kept my written expressions contained in a dark place. More often than not, my impromptu poems (expressions) related to him simply come to me. I am not a "writer," simply a person who likes to express her emotions in written words that are sometime explicit; other times open for interpretation. It is like therapy for me.

I have not settled on the name of this poem/entry. I am leaning toward, "A Web Of Love." Nevertheless, regardless if I have a year, a decade, or an un-foretold lifetime with the Love of My Life, no words could ever capture the breadth and depth of my emotions.

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There is this thread that originated on a spool.

There is this boy and this girl who met in grade school.

The thread is of various textures and strength - multiple strands.

As time passes, young school children turn into a woman and man.

The strands of thread are bonds that make a web - taught and firm.

These two individuals - independent and strong-yet for true love they yearn.

On July 18, 2009, a web was serendipitously fashioned of poetic love;

As two people's paths were reunited with divine guidance from above.

Each thread, each bond, glowing with romantic love and growing devotion.

A couple evolves beyond friendship and giddy emotion.

The web is made of loyalties, interdependencies, and shared experiences;

It is memories of late night talks, dates, instance after instance.

It is a web of a common communication and the acceptance of an occasional lack of of language;

Knowing of likes and dislikes, habits and reactions never to create a wedge.

Their web is bonds of instincts and intuitions - no obsession;

The known and unknown no matter the quantity or quality of the expression.

Don't underestimate each person's path in day-to-day living, in all its wealth;

As their lives are woven in space and in time of the substance of life itself.

Two people share - all their goals and dreams;

Their weaknesses and strengths in all that it seems.

Two people share - all of their emotions and feelings;

Their tears and laughter; their pain and healing.

And just as that thread originated on that spool,

Two children initiated their journey in grade school.

A foundation, a web was created and cultivated;

Where two souls could stand nearly 30 years later - all this time they waited.

Bonded in friendship from the depths of their hearts, after so many years;

Grounded in someone to share secrets, dreams, fantasies, and fears.

Bonded in love so tender, passionate, and kind;

Someone whose touch awakened their heart and their mind.

The intricate web that these two continue to weave

Illustrates two are stronger than one only fate and destiny could conceive.

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Thanks for reading - peace and love!

As Time Passes

But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day. ~Benjamin Disraeli

I opened the blog today, immediately saddened that I have not captured any moments since May 21st. So many things have happened in the last eight or so weeks:

• Pre-school ended for Elijah, setting the stage for him start kindergarten this Fall;
• Summer camp's session one started and ended;
• We took a trip to DC to explore and assess the possibilities of moving there;
• Memorial Day weekend was good;
• Elijah lost his second tooth;
• Fathers' Day came and went;
• I had a trip to Northern Virginia/MD/DC;
• My landlord announced unexpectedly he needed me to move out (so he could move in);
• Fourth of July celebrations were fabulous this year (highly recommend the Civic Center and CSO show if you're ever in Denver for the Fourth);
• Bill visited for his big milestone birthday (love any and all WJP time I can get);
• A group of grade school/middle school friends met to celebrate the multiple people turning 40;
• Bill publicly professed nuptial intents in front of our former class mates with an amazing ring; AND
• I have finalized things emotionally and physically to initiate a move for me and my little guy to the East Coast.

These are a few of the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with loved ones in eight short weeks. Today, I am not feeling competent as I am not able to capture the emotion of it all (the angst, the laughter, the love, the pain, the stress, the joy, the satisfaction, the appreciation, and so much more)! All this, while day-to-day living has continued... as time passes.

Peace and Love!