The Current State

"A picture is worth a thousand words!"

Alas, I have conquered the first two weeks of my latest transition. I started a new job, in a new company, in an unfamiliar area, l-o-n-g working days, hired a new nanny, handled automobile issues, baby's daddy drama, and the usual day in and day out nuances that come with good clean, living as a single working parent, sister, daughter, cousin, friend, and employee.

Wheh! Next on the list is a mini-get-away to California to visit our pseudo family - some of the wonderful friends we made during our three-plus years in the South Bay. In addition to trying to decompress this weekend, I am gearing up for travel this week. While at a mall today, Elijah and I took a picture in one of those tiny photo booths....wow!

No matter the smile, sometimes you just can't hide the "tiredness." I could argue that the picture quality is poor, or that I have on no makeup; but the truth is, Elijah looks as happy, rested, and down right "cute as a button." So, the current state is - I am happy. I am grateful. I am loved. I am healthy. I am enjoying time with friends and family. I am blessed with an abundant life!

...even if I am tired (she said in a monotone voice in between the yawns).

I am reminded of my friend(s) who:

• continue to lose their jobs;
• have a severe illness;
• have a spouse with a deteriorating health condition;
• didn't have a father to spend time with or call during Fathers Day;
• has a child just diagnosed with autism;
• who don't know if they can pay their mortgage from month-to-month;
• have family members away at war;
• have a baby who needs significant surgery;
• need health insurance and can't get any coverage; and
• the list goes on.

So, while my current state is largely colored by a state of 'tiredness,' I will gladly adorn my dark, puffy circles as a badge of glory. Life is good.

Again - thanks for reading our odds and ends on any given day.

~Kelley

Happy Parents Day

Fathers Day weekend was great for so many obvious reasons and some not-so-obvious reasons, completely unrelated to Fathers Day. Nevertheless, I am reminded I will always have a choice as to how I express any less than positive emotions as I strive to be a positive, loving, supportive parent for a four-year old boy with the whole world in front of him.

The following words helped me release some of my frustrations yesterday.

Thank you for reading my words on the good and bad days.

Kelley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Narcissistic Entitlement

Your sense of entitlement has you confused,

Reaping rewards off of relationships you’ve selfishly abused.

There are no guarantees just because he’s your son.

When responsibility and love are needed you don’t run.

No not you ~ you just disappear,

Expecting to access parental benefits with no shame or fear.

Nothing is promised, we know this to be true

Even when it comes to your children and their love for you.

There are no rights, agreements, or mandates that make a man a genuine dad;

Your disgusting narcissism is tragic and sad.

The symptoms seem to worsen year after year.

Is it pain, ignorance, carelessness, I am unclear?

So continue to blame me if that works for your plan.

My only concern is a raising a strong, happy, healthy, independent man.

The Next Chapter

My fingertips on my left hand are extended, gently resting on my chest. Next, I hold my chest and try…and try again. I breathe through my mouth, just enough to feel like I can swallow the empty air, visually forcing it into my lungs. It is not enough.

I stop and focus. “Think Kelley, think. Focus.” With my mouth closed, I consciously think about it. I imagine the air in my diaphragm slowly climbing to the crown of my body until there is nothing else to inhale, slowly exhaling through my nose. My shoulders relax. Oh, it is a little better…thank goodness. I couldn't breathe. Maybe I should do that a couple of times. Aw, yes! Better!

I started a new chapter in my career earlier this week. Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I was exhausted! My eyes burned, even when I closed them. Eventually, I fell asleep (maybe around 1AM Monday; only to wake up at 5:00AM.

As the week went on, my eyes burned less and the breathing became easier. The reality is a "new chapter" in my career, translates to a "new chapter" in my life and ultimately Elijah's life. Despite the fact my senses and mind were on sensory and informational overload, it became easier – this is my life. Welcome to the new chapter Ms. Martin.

Ordered Chaos Has Returned

June's weather is turning out to be a potpourri or things such as thunderstorms, gentle rain showers, multiple tornadoes, 80 degrees of vitamin-D sunshine days, and cool evenings with a lightening show in far off distance.

...kinda like my life! Tomorrow I am thrilled to start a new chapter in my career. Inevitably, the 'thunder' of it all vibrates through my personal life as well (I think that is normal, whatever "normal" really means).

Since Thursday, I have been interviewing part-time nannies, the regular day-to-day stuff, spending extra time with Mr. E, getting our clothes and necessities ready for "the big day," socializing and celebrating with friends and family, preparing for a reunion next week, helping a few friends out with some documentation-related stuff, and playing a few addictive games on FaceBook.

Tomorrow is my "first day of school" after my sabbatical. In preparation, the last few days have moments of peace and beauty but the weather is changing. I suspect everything is aligning for a potential tornado warning in Martin Manor. I believe I am prepared with all the important gear and necessary precautions. Whatever blows my way...bring it! I am a strong woman with a fabulous foundation to help me and my little guy stay grounded and dry through whatever the universe may bring our way ~ hallelujah!

- As always, thanks for checking in and reading our "Odds and Ends."

Kelley

His Turn

This morning was worse!

Today is day four of Elijah's summer camp. Day three was a "real winner." Every Wednesday the bambinos go swimming at the local rec center. If you remotely know anything about my child, he's a water lover! So, again, yesterday he had an awesome day at camp.

Day four, in contrast to day two documented in my entry, "The Milestone..." boo hoo. Today one of the guides, Ms. Michelle had to hold Elijah, with a bit of force, as I left and he cried.

It was terrible. Note to selfish self: it is always better to have a confident, happy, secure little one wave goodbye with no hugs or kisses versus a sad, tired, hurt child cry as someone restrains them from holding on to you.

The Milestone

It was a hazy summer morning in the Denver-metro area. Today was the second day of summer camp for Elijah. Mindful of how the Colorado sun can pierce through the clouds and burn skin of all ages, Kelley showed Elijah how to spray his new Neutorgena sunblock, SPF 70 with Helioplex on his hands.

Elijah was very intrigued. As with many creatures that have large levels of testosterone racing through their bodies, Elijah pretended it was a gun…of course he did! Kelley no longer got upset that everything with a certain shape or ability could become an imaginary gun at her son’s whim. Instead, they stood there in the parking lot while Elijah became enamored with the shiny glow the sunblock left on his skin.

As they walked into the school for summer camp it felt odd. The halls were quiet, dark, and silent. They were not bustling with children of all ages. It was unlike the feeling and sounds during the school year. It wasn’t so much odd as “different.” Per the routine, Kelley walked Elijah to the cubby where he was to leave his backpack and lunch box in Ms. Bridget’s classroom. Next, she escorted him down the hall to the school’s cafetorium where the other summer camp participants signed in for the day.

As they entered the double doors of the cafetorium, they found the hustle and bustle that was absent from their walk into the school. The energy of the school was all contained in one concentrated space. There was chatter, laughter, yelling, and lots of playing amongst 20 or so children. There were so many sounds and sights in this small space Kelley did not feel Elijah let go of her hand. Kelley was observing the other children, wondering their ages, if they were having fun, if this was the right environment for Elijah to spend his summer time, ensuring fun and a genuine break from the school routine.

Just then, Kelley saw Ms. Amy, the summer camp coordinator. Due to the mix up of Elijah’s summer enrollment paperwork, Kelley wanted to check in and see if the paperwork was located or if she needed to complete a new copy. After the brief discussion, Kelley officially signed in Elijah. As she was preparing to leave, she looked around the cafetorium for her ray of sunshine. Elijah’s back was to Kelley. Above the chatter and laughter of the little ones, Kelley yelled his name, “Elijah…Elijah.” Elijah did not answer as he had already integrated himself into ‘the playing.’

Then, one of the camp guides called Elijah. No answer. Then another, guide tried…again, no answer. Finally, after one last attempt, Elijah turned around as one of the guides said, “Elijah, your mom is leaving.” He turned around with a different kind of look Kelley wasn’t sure she had seen on his face before that very moment. It was a blend of his “bashful-shy look,” and his “don’t bother me now” look. Kelley smiled as she waited for him to walk over to her.

But he didn’t. Instead, he slowly raised his hand, waived it from side-to-side and sheepishly said, “Bye mom.” Kelley gasped out loud. It was such a loud gasp, three of the camp guides looked at her as her eyes watered up. The look on her face must have said it all. One camp guide said, “Yes. I know. I’ve been there.” A second camp guide responded with a rhetorical question, “They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

Kelley waved back, but Elijah was no longer looking. She turned around and walked through the double doors no longer able to hear the chatter or laughter, only the thoughts in her head. “He did it. I wasn't ready yet. I can’t believe I didn’t get a kiss or hug! Where did my baby go? I don’t have a baby anymore – I have a boy – a big boy who continues to become his own person.” As she left the building and got in the car, she sat there for a minute reminding herself that this was normal and millions of parents have experienced this before her and millions will experience it after her... but at four?! Nevertheless, it didn’t change the fact that she momentarily needed and wanted to grieve for the passing of this phase of his childhood. She logically realized he’ll probably hug and kiss her good bye again before too long. It was just that this was the first time he intentionally didn’t.

Gifts

Some people ask, "Why me?" Others ask, "Why not me?"

No matter your issue or opportunity, your perspective on the reality you are faced with at that moment will undoubtedly affect your approach and outcome associated with the issue or opportunity. While I am not willingly signing up for not-so-great times, I have some fundamental beliefs that carry me through.

I have and continue to be blessed with family and friends that regularly give love and compassion just when I need it. Many times I didn't know how much I needed it until I accepted their gift. What I have strived to do is treat people the way I want to be treated and give when and how I can give. And quite honestly, there have been times I thought my own "account" was in the red, so I had nothing to give, but a kind deed or word impacted a friend or family member in a way I couldn't have imagined or even planned. So, no matter my current state, I try to live by "the golden rule." In all fairness, I have so much room for improvement, but awareness is priceless.

Mindful of the law of attraction, I continue to have people graciously say and do things for me, Elijah, and or for people I love and care about beyond measure. The people and/or their words and/or actions are genuine gifts. Sometimes they know in advance what a huge gift it is and give it freely. Other times, they don't realize what a phenomenal act they are performing. I may not be able to return the exact same gift to that specific person(s), but do try to "play it forward" by saying or doing things for others, again, as I would appreciate and value from someone else....no magic recipe.

This weekend, I was thankful for grandparents and friends. Elijah's grandparents paid for his swim lessons he started this weekend. It was not the financial act that meant so much (though appreciated); instead it meant more to me that we have people in our lives who gladly encourage and support him as he learns and grows into his own being. After swim lessons Saturday morning, Elijah's best bud's mom, offered to have Elijah over to their home so I could have a few hours to myself. I was so overwhelmed I literally couldn't respond at first. Then, when I hopped back in the car while he ran off to play without a care in the world, I teared up as Julie put her hand on my shoulder and told me to take my time and do something for me - HUGE gift. Then we enjoyed their great company and a wonderful dinner together as they graciously opened up their home to us.

I don't typically ask "Why me?" I tend to think, "Why not me?" No matter how you look at it, everything is possible when you have love and compassion in your life.

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. ~Dalai Lama

Elijah Excerpts: Water Baby

I love the seasons....all four of them.  Again, I miss so many things about California, but I didn't really have all four seasons there (which wasn't all bad, you just miss certain stages of mother nature that are beautiful in their own right).  

As we shift into summer, I am upholding a tradition of sorts.  Elijah started swim lessons today.  Elijah's first swim lessons were in California when he was less than a year old (we moved there when he was eight months).  Ever since then, swim lessons "a must" for my water baby.

You see, Elijah is destined for the water.  I can't give you any facts to explain my beliefs other than he was conceived in the tropics; he has lived in the pool every summer out of necessity and desire; he has an innate love, appreciation, and respect for the ocean; and you'd have thought he was born and raised in a fishing village the way this kid can eat fish, specifically shashimi and sushi.

My master plan is to ensure Elijah has the respect, understanding, skills, and techniques to master the pool, the lake, the ocean, or any other body of water he is drawn to in his life time.  More importantly, if he is not having fun, then it doesn't matter.  I want Elijah to do it for himself, not me, or anyone else (because there is a remote chance I am wrong and he is not destined for the water in some way).  So, if he wants the learning experience, I want to help make it possible.

Today, Elijah had fun in his "Minnow" swimming class with Ms. Jacqueline...yeah for him! 

Elijah Excerpts: First Horse Back Riding Excursion

Happy trails to you ~ until we meet again...

Yes!  Elijah and I had a great summer afternoon horseback riding.  As we have been exploring a variety of outdoor excursions 20 miles or less from our home, we have come to find one favorite - Bear Creek Lake Park.  

Inside the park there are so many things to do, including stables for riding.  It was Elijah's "first."  And, it was no surprise to me, the boy had no fear.  The "wranglers" were impressed with how laid back, calm, and engaged Elijah was during the hour long ride and through the overall experience.    (I was reminded of his first motorcycle ride with his Papa Larry last summer at 3 years old ~ again, NO FEAR!).

During the ride, he spotted a mule deer or white tail deer ( I couldn't tell by the time I saw it).  He grinned from ear to ear when the horse crossed the white water river.  He giggled when the horses trotted.  All in all, he was a natural.  He learned to lean back when going down a hill, how to hold the reins, and get the horse to trot. 

The weather was perfect! It was a bit overcast with a gentle breeze.  The scenery was gorgeous.  We took everything in through all of our senses - wonderful sights, sounds, and smells (and some not so nice smells thanks to Elijah's horse Bella).  

We ended the experience at Soda Lake (in the same park) digging in the sand and a little bit of playground time - how much better does it get for a four year old city boy?!

Another Poem for Me

The rain symbolizes so many tangible and elusive things to me.  At a minimum, I find the rain to be sensual, nurturing, and cleansing.  I speculate the weather is somewhat influencing my current blog entries with poems about growth, transition, and cleansing (such as today’s entry). 

Cleansing and Closure

I must confess I’m in denial.

I thought these feeling would pass after a while.

I am disappointed and can’t articulate why.

Neither one of us has to explain or justify.

Sometimes I feel like you really tried

Other times I wonder if you simply lied.

If you truly felt the way you said

Could you erase me from your life as if I were dead?

That’s how your actions made me feel

Like the time we had wasn’t real.

Intentional or not, that was the result.

Hurt feelings like a child, instead of an adult.

I said it before and I’ll say it again

I have no regrets, up to the very end.

You are an extraordinary person I’m glad to have known.

A part of me is sad that I chose to be alone.

There was no one else I replaced you with

I am insatiable searching for a possible myth.

You did not betray me; you were true to yourself.

I search for the man who can stand strong when there is no one else ~

Beside me without shrinking or hiding in triumph or despair,

No matter the void or bounty, “he” is always there.

As I rinse the spots of hurt from my heart

I close this chapter and transition to the next part.

Ideally there are lessons I learned on this phase of my journey

To ready me for the new opportunity.

Thank you for those lessons I recognize and those that I will

Wishing us both peace and love, as our separate destinies are fulfilled.  

Blame It on the Rain

Among some of my favorite things in the world, water is included at the top of the list.  I love to drink water (with lemon); I love the smell, sound, and feel of the ocean; I love the smell of rain; there is nothing like a hot shower pounding at the nape of my neck....water is amazing.  It is sensual.  It is a powerful element of living we often take for granted.  Last night's rain inspired me.  

Note:  adult reading only.

The Rainy Experience

The rain descends from the heavens, gently kissing the ground

Just as I yearn for your lips to grace mine.

The clouds glide across the stars’ light

Just as I desire your hands to softly glide across my body.

The atmosphere is charged with electricity and energy

Just as I lust for you to touch me, kiss me with heated energy and passion.

The gentle breeze whispers through the night sky

Just as I crave your erotic whispers in my ear.

Under the cover of night, the spring storm swells the earth with moisture

Just as I ache for you to swell inside me.

The rainy night nourishes the thirsty soil

Just as making love sustains my physical being.

Streaks of lightening are accompanied by explosive noises

Just as your strokes result in my moans of pleasure.

The earth’s surface and rain become one

Just as we melt into one entity of climaxing ecstasy.  

the perception of true love

 

I looked for you, as young girls often do.

The fairy tales and wishing stars,

Waiting for you to woo.

I looked for you in a variety of men.

From little girl’s daddy to young woman’s boyfriend -

My swollen heart was merely on lend.

I once looked for you to complete me

Because love takes two

Despite the foretold difficulties.

I no longer eagerly look; I’ve moved on.

Not aimlessly searching or filling a void

In life’s “game,” I am a Queen, not a pawn.

Living life, learning, growing, enjoying what I do,

Knowing nothing is impossible,

While the smell and taste of hope and anticipation ensue.

I suspect our destined paths may one day cross

As I boldly choose my individual path,

Versus yearning for the crossroads, at a loss.

Until that momentous time and place

Genuine True Love

Is an idea I still graciously embrace.

Striving for love to radiate from me at all times

In all of my relationships

Fulfilled beyond poetic rhymes.

Deserving of love, receiving it in abundance,

A multitude of meaningful sources,

My aching soul no longer hopelessly hunts.

The more I love, the more love enters my life.

Every day and every way, better and better ~

Doesn’t mean the “end game” is as someone’s wife.

Like so many things in life, true love is no exception

It is what you make it-

Your reality is your perception.