Elijah Excerpts: New School Year

Make a Smilebox postcard

Hop on the Trust Train to Nowhere

For the record, Elijah is sooo sorry! In fact, he is “DOUBLE sorry!” “I’m sorry,” has become a regular phrase heard at Martin Manor the past few weeks by a little boy who is mastering the English language, exploring boundaries, and testing socialization techniques and strategies. Elijah’s ability to break an overhead light cover was no shock to me as he jumped down the stairs. With all his might he jumped as high as he could before thumping down on the landing. As he has been reminded before, said landing is the ceiling of the flight of stairs down to the basement. With his superior THUD, we could hear the overhead light cover fall to the carpeted ground, roll down the stairs and break as it slammed into the bathroom door….hhhmmmm didn’t I warn him that might happen? Didn’t I tell him not to jump on the landing? Why, yes! Yes! Yes, I did! But let’s not forget, Elijah is soooo sorry.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled Elijah is expressing empathy and manners. The question is, “is the apology genuine?” Approaching five years old (WOW!), I am okay with the idea that this is how he learns. One of my roles is to teach him manners, empathy, cause and effect, and a slue of other things. How do you “teach” someone to mean what you say? Hell! I still get tongue tied or have challenges expressing myslelf while knocking on 40.

No matter the relationship, no matter your gender, you/we want to be taken at our word. I wanted to Elijah to take me at my word. Likewise, I believe he wants me to take him at his word…that he is sorry. So, why do I question his apologetic ways?
Before I carry on, let me just say, “Yes. Guilty as charged. I am overanalyzing this.” In my defense, I see this behavior over and over personally and professionally; in my life and in others’ lives. It is an element of trust. One of the things that cultivates trust is a person who consistently keeps their word. If I am talking about my child, my significant other, my boss…whomever, when you see “someone’s” words lining up with their actions, trust will naturally follow.
Alas, building and working on trust is an indefinite ongoing process with everyone (everyone you choose to invest the time and energy in). It is not a destination….it is part of the infamous journey.

One Month

Last month, something, or should I say someone, happened to me. Four weeks ago, July 18th, I saw someone I had not seen in (literally) decades...and I have not been the same. Immediately, from the very start, every interaction and emotion was different. At 38, you'd think I would have felt this way at some time in my life. It is not as if I have never felt strongly for someone, or even loved them. But, it is true, I have never felt this way.

I am always mindful of cliche but true sayings such as: life is what you make it; nothing in life is guaranteed; live in the now; life is what you make it; etc. All those things being said, if I only felt this way for a month in my life...no more...I'd take it. I'd rather have experienced this subtle yet intense passion and hope for a month, than to have only wondered about the reality of all the poems, songs, and romance stories told through the ages. I have lived on adrenaline, endorphins, bewilderment, hope, and love the past four weeks - and enjoyed every minute of it. I appreciate what I have had thus far.


Just for Me


“Can I keep you?” I want to know…
Every single interaction makes me glow.
From the inside out, I don’t question this.
I know what and who you are is what I’ve missed.
I think you were made just for me -
Special ordered, my dream, my fantasy.
Reading your words, listening to your voice,
I am reminded I always have a choice.
I choose you; I choose “us” right now.
I want forever and wedding vows.
I want to be with you completely.
Random uncertainty does not scare me.
I’d fear the notion of not trying “us,”
Being with you is a must.

A Year to the Day

365 days ago, I woke up in a town home I had seen on line and my mother was kind enough (excited, eager, giddy enough) to scope out...be my eyes on the ground and put down the deposit a month before we moved back. Thank goodness, we had family and inadvertent things that made the transition more than manageable.

It would be a little over a week before our belongings would arrive, so between my parents and the landlord (who was the fomer "tenant") we had a bed, sheets, towels, dishes, etc. to get by for a while. I had two weeks to get Elijah acclimated to our new home, city, state, and prepped for a new school experience (which in hind sight was nice to have...but acclimation can't be forced into a predefined time period).

The past year has been amazing. There are few very things that I would have guessed would play out the way they did. Everything from Elijah's experience (or lack of) with his father, fun times with family (my dad's 60th, Chatfield Christmas lights, to name a few...)the transition to the new school, the new job I accepted with Seagate, the ability to visit our California family twice, started dating again since the divorce, reconnecting with old friends from grade and middle school, my layoff experience, Spring Break in Estes, the new employment opportunity, camping and fishing, and all of Elijah's sports fun - gymnastics, swimming, and soccer - all a blast for him and me...and even some family members...many of these things played out in ways I couldn't have anticipated.

While I am a huge proponent for not reliving the past and living in the moment, I believe there is value in reflection. When I woke up this morning (like many mornings), I counted my blessings. The past year has been packed with emotional, physical, and spiritual experiences and lessons. No matter what adjectives I use or how hard I rack my brain to choose the "right" words, the fundamental thought that transcends through all my ideas, memories, and emotions is how incredibly thankful and appreciative I am for the truly amazing people in my life.

My parents, best friend, old friends, mentors, extended family members, new friends, and Elijah are invaluable to my happiness, peace, sanity, solitude, outlook, strength, and so much more.

I look forward to what the next five days, month, season, year, and beyond bring for me and my little guy. I am realistic that it won't all be warm, fuzzy, fun, or whatever. Likewise, I am realistic I have and will continue to invest in relationships with loved ones that may act as sounding boards, pillars of strength, fountains of laughter, voices of reason, etc....when I may be running on fumes.

Let's see what the future brings..."bring it!"