And I Rise

For several months now, I have started every work week with key words or phrases that are meaningful to me. The words or phrases were meant to help me focus and get through the day or the week and operate in such a manner regardless of what was going on around me.

A few weeks into my process, I had a team member who was "going through." As such, I shared my words with my team. And it turns out, it helped more than me some days. In fact, I have a few other colleagues who will ask me on a Monday or a Tuesday, "what's the word this week?"

The truth is this weekend was really rough on me and I hadn't put much thought into preparing physically or emotionally for Monday morning at work. As I was parking my car this morning, a text came through. It read:

John Michael Montgomery told me this morning, "life is a dance we learn as we go...sometimes we lead, sometimes we follow. Don't worry about what you don't know. Life's a dance, we learn as we go." Made me think of your metaphors. Happy Monday.

It was a reminder that the littlest of gestures can have a memorable impact on people. As my day progressed, the phrase for the remainder of this week is - Phoenix Rising!

Peace and Love.

My Sunday

If I could capture my emotions in a word right now, it would be "uggghhh!" What a roller coaster of highs and lows this weekend. Well, if nothing else, I know I am human...

So, as always, I will "throw up" on paper as I try to find peace when and where I can right now.

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My Santuary

I exist.

My soul yearns to be gently kissed.

In my silence; in my pondering; while the chaos spins outside of my being, I am reminded my sanctuary is not found in someone else.

A holistic view of my physical and emotional health,

I dream of my mind, heart, and soul being protected; yet that is a fairy tale.

To have not taken the risk, would have been to fail.

While there is an open invitation to my altar, I stand alone; while the chaos spins outside of my being.

From the distance, there are new things I am seeing.

I exist. I exist alone.

Intended to be respectful, genuine, transparent, unconditional, and open in my tone.

In my silence, I find refuge in music and poetry; while the chaos spins outside of my being.

My sanctuary offers no words for the hearing; only actions for the seeing.

Not my darkest hour... I still find bliss.

I exist.

In Honor Of "Parent's Day"

In the United States, we seem to now celebrate all kinds of things (maybe simply in honor of the infamous Hallmark holiday). Sunday is supposedly "Parent's Day." Well, if we're gonna celebrate anything, parents are just as good as, if not better, than other reasons to honor, respect, and celebrate... Happy Parents Day to your parents and those that are parents.

Have a great weekend and enjoy reflecting on this antonymous poem.

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When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

When you thought I wasn't looking,

I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and I knew that little things are special things.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer,
and I believed there is a God I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight,
and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared
and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked...
and wanted to say thanks for all the things
I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.

- Anonymous

Emotions, Blind Spots, and Baggage

As I cleanse my mind tonight, I fully admit I am not "all knowing" or have a solid track record in various relationships that warrant me having enough nerve to capture what I think anyone wants and deserves in a healthy relationship. So, I will keep it simple. Despite my emotions, blind spots, and baggage, I have maintained and continue to maintain, if you're gonna choose a spouse, I'd recommend s/he is someone who innately makes the good times better and the bad times easier!

Mutual respect is key!

I don't see how anyone can maintain a happy, healthy long-term relationships with anyone who they do not respect, or who does not respect you. There are so many other things, such as dignity and worth that humans associate with "respect." How do you feel when people you care about disrespect you? Does your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife disrespect you?

I'd bet a big chunk of change, once the implicit or explicit put downs, disregard, or dishonesty become a part of the everyday relationship, you're not likely to be in a happy, healthy long-term relationship... it is not rocket science.

Trust is nurtured and protected!

Love and trust are intertwined like strands of a rope. When trust is broken, love is diminished and "the rope" is damaged. When trust is diligently maintained, love grows stronger and stronger.

Be true to you!

If you choose not to be the 100% authentic you with someone, it is only a matter of time before the facade comes crashing down. If you are being who you truly are, resisting the impulse to play games or put on a false person to impress someone, "the one" will value your individuality and uniqueness. During the good times and the bad times, your authenticity in any circumstance is critical to a happy, healthy long-term relationship. Again, the facade will come crashing down (sometimes sooner than later).

An attitude of Service!

...an attitude of "you first." If you are with someone who shows little regard for your wishes and opinions; intent on getting his/her way; doesn't ask about your life; and consistently displays a "me first" attitude - run! Do you deserve selfish or selfless? Do you adore big-headed or big-hearted? If his/her prevailing attitude and actions are "me, me, me" versus some combination of "you, us, you, us," a long-term relationship with him or her is destined for some serious challenges.

Work Through Problems!

Life is hard under the best of circumstances. Modern life is filled with headaches and hassles that can ebb and flow in a relationship. Every dating relationship and every marriage has conflict. The truth is, disagreements are the consequence of two unique individuals expressing themselves on infinite number of issues. When two people learn "the dance" and can manage their conflicts thoroughly and efficiently so that harmony prevails most of the time....aaaahhhhh.....success!

An Abundance of Joy!

It sounds simple, but have you ever seen a random couple in public who just looked unhappy? What about a couple who looked happy. If you visualize those two separate memories, there are huge differences on your perception. Laughing, having fun, and plain ol' enjoying your partner and being together is key to long-term success.

Honesty, respect, and unconditional love are timeless pillars in the reality of a happy, healthy, long-term relationship. So, if you step our of your emotions, your blind spots, and any baggage... where did you and your partner fall out in the areas highlighted by the woman cleansing her brain tonight?

“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.” ~Richard Bach

Elijah Excerpts: Encouraging Mommy

What a night!

As those who know Elijah, know I often refer to him as "being full of piss and vinegar." Elijah can be the most hard-headed ornery child to the most loving, sweetest child in his actions and words. Tonight, Elijah woke up in the middle of the night devastated. He was was crying, screaming, and snotting everywhere. I didn't expect that my brief check-in and consolation would turn into a discussion with verbalized fears and concerns and a preliminary plan to manifest my destiny.

Elijah's words and concerns were so pointed and gut wrenching sincere that I thought, "Gee! Did some ghost channel this boy?" because it just didn't sound like something I would ever expect a five year old to say. Once I could understand through all the tears, labored breathing, and snot, Elijah conveyed he doesn't like being without me (Eh, ok... not new news... or uncommon for children and their parents). Then he goes on to share with me that I died...

So, translation, in his dream, I died. I teared up once I imagined if I really died how this little boy would cope. He continues on sharing that he doesn't want me to die; he wants to spend more time with me; he wants me to be around when he is a grown up; wants me to be healthy; and (get this) wants me to go to the gym and workout because "exercise is important and you don't get enough." (For the record, I know he is correct on both counts). Typing this in some ways, it is humorous - "Mommy - you're overweight and it's not healthy!" But, honestly, Elijah's genuine fear and pain was a huge motivator for me tonight.

Not to sound cavalier, but yeah, yeah, yeah. I know I am going to die one day (we all are); yet there are a host of reasons to get my butt in the gym, or running, or whatever, and live healthier. My baby boy's sleepy, heart-ache broke my heart. I wish I could use words or capture the moment in such a way that anyone could have felt what he sparked inside me.

So, tonight I am capturing this so I can reflect back on it as one of many reasons, I need to start down some lifestyle changes with some short-term and long-term goals. July 17, 2010 - I am on the road to fitness. As I put all this in writing, my mind initiates my commitment today; this week; this month; now!

Peace, love, and sweet dreams (especially to my son!)!

Who Do You Love...Who Am I to Say?

There are all kinds of theories, philosophies, formulas, and opinions on when two people know if they have found "the one." While I have read articles, books, had conversations with people, and observed successful (and not so successful) relationships, I am no expert...far from it! What I can say is, "who am I to tell someone who is or isn't right for them?"

If you choose to make someone a lifetime partner - let's say marriage- it is a commitment. It is obviously a commitment to them and to the notion that you are committing to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. As many of my favorite love songs illustrate, marriage encompasses all of life's most important relationships. For me, I hope and believe my husband and I are each other's best friend, confidant, lover, teacher, listener, and critic. I don't expect life to not have the infamous challenges, where one of us is heartbroken or ailing, and recognize our love for the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Again, maybe someone else does not have and/or has thought through what or who is (or isn't) right for them....but best believe, there are plenty of critics out there who have their own opinions. There are many couples in my life who I am fully aware have critics...and why? The truth is, there are some legitimate comments, petty comments, jealous comments, and many, many, more reasons the critics may feel so comfortable verbalizing or showing their opinion about someone not being "right" or "the one" for their loved one. Some critics are more passive aggressive than others.

Yet again, I ask, "who am I to tell someone who is or isn't right for them?" What I do hope and pray is that the people I love and care about find a partner (or have one who continues) to discover and grow with, in their spirit unique to themselves; with whom their relationship has a glowing depth, natural beauty, and raw joy, as the years increase. This depth, beauty, and joy can come in different packages and at different times. Regardless of the package or the timing, if my friend or family member consistently looks, sounds, and exudes some level of happiness, positive and productive interactions on any given day (barring the usual ups and downs of children, job, health, and miscellaneous stressors) - who am I to say? And if they are having challenges based on whatever... who am I to say?

The truth of the matter is, if someone I care about is in a relationship I choose not to support, then I also choose how I behave with them, or don't. I choose if "who"this person has decided to "unite" with is someone I will or won't try to build a relationship with to support him/her. If I don't have the opportunity to build a relationship with that person, then I get to decide if seeing my friend/family member happy, in-love, at peace, content (and/or whatever else s/he may exude), then I choose if accept their choice unknowingly.

And when it comes to me and my choices - who are you to say?

"Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are." ~ Houssaye

Make the Most of "It"

As I was searching for a family email to forward to my sister-in-law, for some reason, an email popped up in the search with this "poem." The email was sent from a friend over 18 months ago, during a time when one chapter of my life was closing and a new one was beginning.

Here I sit tonight wrapping up a chapter in my life and beginning the transition into the next chapter. While this was a "chain email" it still captured nuggets and reminders I thought worth sharing as you always have a choice. I choose to make the most of it.

As always, thanks for reading my randomness.

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A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe..
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe..
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe..
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.'

Emotions for the Love Of My Life

A week ago, "The Love of My Life" had a milestone birthday. This man (with little to no effort) makes me feel a whole range of emotions on any given day: proud; happy; nostalgic; anxious; comfortable; delighted; nervous; determined; pleasure; content; frustrated; fulfilled; thankful; aroused; breathless; hopeful; appreciative; sad; scared; vulnerable; joyful; foolish; amused; speechless; calm; fascinated; lovesick; intimidated; jubilant; satisfied; playful; thrilled; strong; awe; affection; wonder; embarrassed; passionate; and OF COURSE... L-O-V-E! And these are simply the words that came to mind when I play back a few call, interactions, moments, and experiences over the past few weeks.

I effortlessly refer to him as the Love of My Life for multiple reasons. The one reason I have been saying for nearly a year is, "I want him in my life forever!" But my rationale is deeper than just his presence in my life. I thought people said your "first love" is so raw and pure that all other loves after that "first love" are never the same. Since Bill has come into my life, I honestly don't know if I ever "loved" before. I know, I know...does it sound cliche? Maybe...but I know what I have felt; I know what and who I am today compared to who and what I was as a teenager and beyond. With that said, Bill is undeniably, "The Love of My Life." I pray that we have decades together; yet seem to get reminded fairly regularly these days that "nothing is promised."

After a conversation last week, I had laughed so much, for so long, my cheeks were sore the next day. While Bill is funny on any day, we were talking about "us" and certain boundaries. It wasn't the most comfortable conversation for him as it was regarding a topic from several months ago (that just didn't seem like a big deal to me). BUT - what was a big deal to me, was that we had that conversation...which is a good thing. It was a big deal to me that we could "talk through" something and come out on the other side with more transparency, clarity, and understanding of each other...have I mentioned I LOVE THAT MAN?!?!

Bill is often my muse. I have "written poetry" (if that is what one can call it) off and on through the years; however it is has been his entry into my life that has released the seal that kept my written expressions contained in a dark place. More often than not, my impromptu poems (expressions) related to him simply come to me. I am not a "writer," simply a person who likes to express her emotions in written words that are sometime explicit; other times open for interpretation. It is like therapy for me.

I have not settled on the name of this poem/entry. I am leaning toward, "A Web Of Love." Nevertheless, regardless if I have a year, a decade, or an un-foretold lifetime with the Love of My Life, no words could ever capture the breadth and depth of my emotions.

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There is this thread that originated on a spool.

There is this boy and this girl who met in grade school.

The thread is of various textures and strength - multiple strands.

As time passes, young school children turn into a woman and man.

The strands of thread are bonds that make a web - taught and firm.

These two individuals - independent and strong-yet for true love they yearn.

On July 18, 2009, a web was serendipitously fashioned of poetic love;

As two people's paths were reunited with divine guidance from above.

Each thread, each bond, glowing with romantic love and growing devotion.

A couple evolves beyond friendship and giddy emotion.

The web is made of loyalties, interdependencies, and shared experiences;

It is memories of late night talks, dates, instance after instance.

It is a web of a common communication and the acceptance of an occasional lack of of language;

Knowing of likes and dislikes, habits and reactions never to create a wedge.

Their web is bonds of instincts and intuitions - no obsession;

The known and unknown no matter the quantity or quality of the expression.

Don't underestimate each person's path in day-to-day living, in all its wealth;

As their lives are woven in space and in time of the substance of life itself.

Two people share - all their goals and dreams;

Their weaknesses and strengths in all that it seems.

Two people share - all of their emotions and feelings;

Their tears and laughter; their pain and healing.

And just as that thread originated on that spool,

Two children initiated their journey in grade school.

A foundation, a web was created and cultivated;

Where two souls could stand nearly 30 years later - all this time they waited.

Bonded in friendship from the depths of their hearts, after so many years;

Grounded in someone to share secrets, dreams, fantasies, and fears.

Bonded in love so tender, passionate, and kind;

Someone whose touch awakened their heart and their mind.

The intricate web that these two continue to weave

Illustrates two are stronger than one only fate and destiny could conceive.

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Thanks for reading - peace and love!

As Time Passes

But what minutes! Count them by sensation, and not by calendars, and each moment is a day. ~Benjamin Disraeli

I opened the blog today, immediately saddened that I have not captured any moments since May 21st. So many things have happened in the last eight or so weeks:

• Pre-school ended for Elijah, setting the stage for him start kindergarten this Fall;
• Summer camp's session one started and ended;
• We took a trip to DC to explore and assess the possibilities of moving there;
• Memorial Day weekend was good;
• Elijah lost his second tooth;
• Fathers' Day came and went;
• I had a trip to Northern Virginia/MD/DC;
• My landlord announced unexpectedly he needed me to move out (so he could move in);
• Fourth of July celebrations were fabulous this year (highly recommend the Civic Center and CSO show if you're ever in Denver for the Fourth);
• Bill visited for his big milestone birthday (love any and all WJP time I can get);
• A group of grade school/middle school friends met to celebrate the multiple people turning 40;
• Bill publicly professed nuptial intents in front of our former class mates with an amazing ring; AND
• I have finalized things emotionally and physically to initiate a move for me and my little guy to the East Coast.

These are a few of the moments, memories, and experiences I have had with loved ones in eight short weeks. Today, I am not feeling competent as I am not able to capture the emotion of it all (the angst, the laughter, the love, the pain, the stress, the joy, the satisfaction, the appreciation, and so much more)! All this, while day-to-day living has continued... as time passes.

Peace and Love!

Optimism in the Face of Uncertainty

"You must do the thing you think you can not do." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

The terrain of life can be so many things - smooth, muddy, windy, icy, varied... And many times I can't see far ahead. Visibility is limited for just as many varied reasons. At times, my view is shadowed by doubt, or colored by fear. It is not uncommon that I can not see optimism.

Nevertheless, I historically keep on my path with a "can do" attitude and elements of faith and hope that it will work out. It is my attitude and belief that "it will all work out" that inherently allows me to align to the unknown good that I simply know is somewhere on my path. I have faith that nothing bad (or nothing good) lasts forever.

As such, trekking through a muddy trail for weeks (or a grassy, flower-laden trail), I am grounded in the expectation that I can do whatever I choose to do. It may hurt; it may take longer than expected; I may not be as "ready" as I thought I was; it may even be the wrong direction. Yet I know that I can heal; I can re-arrange my time; I can recalibrate, stop if need be, ask for help; and I can make different choices "in the moment," or plan for them.

I say, "Yes" to unexpected doors opening! Instead of being in a static state of my known life, I allow that life to alter and expand. I choose to take positive risk. I truly step out in faith despite a potential forecast for poor travel weather. My words and actions demonstrate my willingness and ability to open my heart and mind to the new opportunities before me.

I embrace change and accept unfolding possibilities... because uncertainty is "a given." No matter where this trail takes me, or when I come to a fork in the road, I choose to hold my head high and make the best choice I can, with the understanding and information I have at the time.

Call this post, "self affirmations," a "pep-talk," or whatever - if you read this far, thanks for reading and watching my randomness on any given day from the side lines.

Love and peace to all!

Elijah Excerpts: A Rite of Passage

And so it goes that children will inevitably grow, evolve, and develop at a pace and rhythm that may be unique to them, with or without parental intervention....

Elijah was a baby who had ALL of his baby teeth by his first birthday....ROUGH first year for mommy! So, here he is at five and half, and lost his first tooth, May 14, 2010! Despite his dentist's warning last month that teeth are going for $10 to $20 per tooth, my practical, recession-minded Tooth Fairy delivered three Susan B. Anthony's to Elijah Saturday morning. He was genuinely elated.

The journey of parenthood has these mile markers along the way that are easy to miss if you don't slow down or stop and appreciate the moment. This picture captures a moment for me that I will never forget. He is sooooo proud - as am I. Mmmmmm- I love my baby (no matter his age... he'll always be my baby!).

Love and Peace to All!

~ Kelley

A Quick Classic: A Sunday Sound Bite for the Ladies

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

~Marilyn Monroe

Love and Peace - no matter if you are at your best of worst.

The Road Less Traveled...On Any Day

For whatever reasons, Spring and Fall seem to be the seasons I enjoy most. My senses are move alive; I am more thoughtful about the littlest of things; I am the busiest; I look inward more methodically as to prepare for "something." 2010 will likely be no exception.

Early this morning, a friend discussed "the high road" with me. Of the many things I did today, one was participating in Elijah's school's annual Earth Day Celebration. The idea is bringing a "community" together to make a difference in a short period of time...we worked on the external environment of the school, beautifying, making safe, etc. Like last year, I focused on two activities that were therapeutic (and most others didn't seem to have an interest in doing): weeding and shoveling. The two activities were so symbolic for me and my mental state. Similarly, they tied back to the idea of "taking the high road."

What does it mean to travel this road..."the high road?" Whatever your destination and whomever you are traveling with, how easy is it to not be petty; or only consider your potentially narrow, personal interests? On your journey, are you able to look at the larger picture and do what's right, even when it doesn't appear to benefit you individually and/or personally? This road may be laden with honor, ethics, truth, respect, and more. You may not always have a traveling companion on "the high road."

Right now, now-a-days, I am REALLY trying to take "the high road." It is clearly the road less traveled. And I don't feel like I have a traveling companion either. I am not trying to have a pity party. There are so many roads, detours, curves, hills, pot holes, highways, and more to travel down on any given day. I know nothing in life is static. All living things grow and change.

As I actively celebrated Earth Day with strangers today, I was reminded (just like the seasons) various personal relationships become strained and may undergo mysterious seasons of estrangement. Relationships may alter and grow; or, fall fallow and rest quietly until the season comes for "it" to bloom again. I don't expect that all my personal relationships will always be easy. I want my loved ones to have the unconditional freedom to grow, to change, and to challenge me by their altered behaviors and views.

Where I struggle... in all honesty... where I take it personal (despite the logic in me saying, "I respect their needs - even if includes distance and self containment.") is when behaviors and actions feel petty, disrespectful, and the like. Can I take "the high road" when I feel like someone I care about is being petty with me? Disrespectful to me? Selfish? And even more so...not the "what" they might be doing, but the method, or the "how" they may be demonstrating such behavior.

I am packing my bags. So, here I go down the infamous "high road" both personally and professionally. ALL of my relationships are organic and evolutionary. Relationships are catalytic and transformative in multiple dimensions - good and bad...yet never static. So, cautiously, I travel down the road on my journey, weeding to ensure growth, shoveling crap out of my path if needed, mindful that intersections spark new growth (even if I feel a few growing pains).

The right to change, is a blessing we each have...

Thanks for reading today's randomness.

~Kelley

Elijah Excerpts: The Latest

Boy Oh Boy!

Did I mention Elijah is "all boy?!?" On soooo many counts Elijah is every stereo-type of a person with large amounts of testosterone racing through his body. Yet, in other ways, he has the sweetest, gentlest soul...did I also mention, "I love THAT boy?!?!" He will forever be my "Suga-Bear," even when he is 6 foot plus and grown!

The latest milestone my five and a half year old boy is experiencing (to remind me that he will be "grown" sooner than I know it) - he has his molars growing in...AND... drum roll...a loose tooth. For those of you with bambinos - I didn't recall this being such a huge right of passage in my youth (well maybe the first one, but not after that?) ... but apparently, at least for my little guy it is. Perhaps it is indeed because it is the first one.

So, any day now, the Tooth Fairy may be blessing our doorstep as Elijah passes through this milestone. Likewise, the school year is wrapping up and Spring soccer is well underway... so much... so fun...did I mention, "I love THAT boy!?!?"

Happy Spring!

And Here I Sit...in the Midst of Change

Isaac Asimov was a brilliant man and science fiction writer (among other significant accomplishments in his life). Mr. Asimov is quoted as saying,

"It is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today."

And here I sit... in change, or on the brink of change.

Like many people, I am personally aware that we are sometimes faced with events outside of our control. Our closest friends relocate; our employer downsizes; a family member is diagnosed with terminal illness; the love of your life no longer feels the way they once did; a loved one is taken by a "freak accident;" or, a fire destroys a home, leaving nothing but ashes. In any of those circumstances, there is a loss. Faced with loss, your heart can be seized by fear. Other times, change doesn't bring visible or tangible loss. Nevertheless, fear of the unknown can be equally paralyzing to the heart.

So, here I sit, confessing in private, electronically, "I am scared." Here I sit drawing into myself, contracting my heart in an effort to protect myself. After all, isn't that human nature? Fight or flight? And yet... I am trying to step outside of myself. I am trying to chisel away at the fear with the knowledge and experience that proves when I expand my heart and the possibilities (versus contract), I learn; I grow.

I could harden my heart to ensure it is never hurt again. It's "safer." It's easier... the harder it is, the impact of the heaviest blows can't penetrate my priceless heart. Or, I could take the riskier and harder approach. I could soften my heart to receive new beginnings. Uggh! I once read, "clarity is the bedrock of an honest life." Too cliche? Too dramatic?

There is no "drama" to speak of... life is unfolding smoothly, without heightened adrenaline, as I turn within to define me - who I am and who I want to be... and here I sit... in the midst of change...continuing, inevitable change.

~ KJ

Elijah Excerpts: Growing and Growing

Three feet, seven inches....

While talking to my cousin earlier this week I mentioned how tall Elijah current is in comparison to me - technically, his head casually sits right below my chest - as if my bust is a refuge for his "coconut" from the rain (not eloquent, but true). Well tonight, I measured him with a measuring tape. I am not sure what I expected, but I didn't think 3'7". My goodness, he technically isn't even five and a half until mid-April!

Not only is he growing in height - there are so many things that he can do by himself. Honestly, he could these things by himself for quite some time (shower, dry off, lotion up, get dressed for example). The difference in the past few weeks is Elijah doesn't want my help. In fact, he pushes me away. I know this is normal, healthy, to be expected, ideal, etc. I DO know....but he is my baby. He will always be my baby. He could be 31 and as long as I am living, he will still be my baby. If I were blessed with more children, they'd all be my babes forever... ain't nothing like a mother's love for her babies, no matter how grown they may get (or think they are)!

In my next entry, I must also capture some of the latest phrases that pop out the boy's five-year old mouth....I still look at him (and even say out loud), "Where did you come from?" Seriously?! In many ways, he is a wise old soul...and then he sticks his bum out farts, then giggles....that is my Elijah.

Thanks for sharing in my randomness within this entry, any entry, and if you are part of my life.

Love and Peace!

Sometimes There Just Isn't...

I just don't get "it." There isn't an answer for everything. It seems like their should be...

• What do you tell a five year old boy as he sits there with tears in his eyes and his lips poked out, when he wants to know why his daddy says he can't come over to visit after his daddy promised him he could visit?

• What do you tell a six year old girl who begs you to tell her it is not true as tears roll down her face - that her great grandma has died (and oh, by the way, this is the third family member that has died in the past six months of her young sweet life)?

• What do you tell the 30-something man who married his high-school sweetheart and built an amazing life for them and their two beautiful children, after he learns his 30-something sweetheart has been diagnosed with cancer?

Not only "what," but how? How do you respond to a devastated heart that can't truly hear what you're saying because they are consumed with emotions ranging from anything to insecurity, doubt, fear, sadness, disbelief, rage, pure agonizing pain, emptiness, or a myriad of emotions one can only hope to avoid in their lifetime?

No matter your age, gender, race, socio-economic status, national origin, education, WHATEVER... there has been or will be something(s) in your lifetime that you may not have answers for in the moment or ever... Damn it! It just doesn't seem fair to me! I don't expect to like every scenario or outcome; but I do know if I can rationalize it (regardless if I agree with it), the pill doesn't feel as jagged when I swallow it.

The bottom line - I don't like the fact that there isn't always an answer..... "Because!" doesn't cut it for me either - not as a child or as an adult. A critical thinking human being with feelings sometimes just wants to know, "why?"

Not all the time, but sometimes, there's just not an answer.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Sharing A Maya Angelou Poem

With the Valentine's Day fast approaching, I have been reflecting on some of my favorite poets, lyricists, and authors. Maya Angelou is possibly one of the most influential female authors of the 20th century. Below is an excerpt I thought I'd share from Ms. Angelou.

Love and Peace,

Kelley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Touched by an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free

Expressing Love

2010 is well underway! Nearly half way through January, I am crazy-busy at work and burning the candle at both ends. As such, I made the terrible mistake of having coffee late in my day today...argh! So, here I am exhausted, yet my mind does not turn off. So many things running through my mind...and he is always there in my waking and sleeping thoughts. During this late night / early morning hour, despite the 1500 miles, I think and feel him.

As a result, here is my post intended to help me express my thoughts and emotions while encouraging me to rest my weary eyes and body, no matter the state of my love sick heart and mind. I am thankful for the experiences to exude such love for a man that he can regularly inspire me to effortlessly and therapeutically put personal words to paper/email/blog/etc.

Wishing all readers peace and love (including romance) in 2010!

~Kelley

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Take Heed to Love

I err on the side of telling you “I love you,” every chance I get;

Not because I don’t think you know, or you’ll forget.

I do it because nothing in life is promised or guaranteed.

I want you to know I don’t take you for granted; I take heed.

The repetitive phrase is not said to desensitize

Rather, to be abundantly clear and crystallize.

With so many miles between us each day

How sweet, simple, and easy to say…

Simplicity is due to the pure state of heart

Loving you is actionable, near or apart.

Yes, actions may speak louder than words

I give flight to my words like a flock of migrating birds –

Soaring, floating, with no boundaries to confine

Only distance and miles, waiting for a sign.

The natural signal that we fly in one unified direction together

Because we are gracefully in sync all seasons, all weather.

I love you when there are blue skies and sun;

And when there are no budding flowers and blue skies are none;

When the skies are so gray, no shadows, the clouds filter and hide all;

When the temperature is bitterly cold, life is barren after the harvest of Fall.

No matter the circumstance or the season,

When I tell you "I love you” there is a mindful reason…

I err on the side of telling you “I love you,” every chance I get;

Not because I don’t think you know, or you’ll forget.

I do it because nothing in life is promised or guaranteed.

I want you to know I don’t take you for granted; I take heed.

The Lump in My Throat

A winter day in Colorado can mean so many things for so many reasons. Today, it meant really cold and dreary. All morning the sun fought to peer through the cloud coverage, like a like bulb hidden behind a sheet of cotton. As I sat in my office, looking out the window, the thick, dense clouds felt as if they’d permeated by lungs and enveloped my body as I labored to breathe and feel. However I could feel this lump in my throat. It was the kind of lump that mysteriously appears when you are overwhelmed with emotion while your mind is racing with multiple thoughts (of which include not bursting into tears).

I continued to stare out the window. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes. Just then, I decided today was the day to actually step away from my desk for lunch and go for a walk. I physically felt so numb; the cold air wisping through my dress pants couldn’t phase me – not today. As I walked out of the office building, the cold air immediately kissed my cheeks….I could feel it. At first I was glad I could feel. Then, I thought, “I don’t want to feel. It hurts. I hurt.” Again, my eyes teared up. Despite wearing a coat and gloves mid-day, my emotional pain hadn’t numbed me to the degree that I couldn’t feel the December cold.

As I started to walk, the tears held still in my eyes as if my contacts were like shields across my eyes. “Wheh,” I thought. “It is so cold out here, Lord knows this is not the place to have a ‘cry fest’.” Just as the thought crossed my mind, I felt the warm, thick liquid rollover my bottom eyelashes of my left eye, onto my cheek. Then, a child hood memory came back to me.

I remembered a flickering light. I was taken back to a dark room where an old movie was playing on a projector against a white screen. Sitting next to me were rows of kids ages 5-8 at the YMCA aftercare program. On the old, unstable screen I could see a mound of dirt with a flower growing. It was the original 1957 movie, “Old Yeller.” I don’t know if that could be classified as one of the most tearful scenes in cinema, but my young body had a physical and emotional reaction to it. Watching the boy realize his dog had rabies, shooting Yeller, suffering as he took this morbid step into “manhood,” I distinctly remember this strange pain in my throat while I tried to hold back the tears. I had never experienced this pain before. I couldn’t swallow at first. When I finally could swallow; it didn’t help. It still hurt. Then the tears came rolling down my cheeks in the dark room. The salty tears kissed my lips as I periodically pierced them together, trying to be a "big kid" and not cry.

It wasn’t until I gave in and let those tears roll down my childhood face that the lump in my throat slowly dissipated. As a grown woman, walking through the December cold, I wondered when the pain would stop consuming me physically and emotionally. I want the lump in my throat to go away and stay away.